Let's Put an End to Obesity Together

As I was wolfing down a mammoth, succulent smoked turkey leg at the shit storm called the IU/Purdue game on Saturday, I recalled the fact that I've gained 5-10 pounds (depending on when I weigh myself) since getting married in June, and I couldn't help but think of something I heard awhile back. I can't remember where I saw or heard this, but it's a good point: Why is it socially acceptable to yell at a smoker for lighting up, but it's not socially acceptable to yell at an obese person for dominating a Big Mac and large fries? We have a problem here in the US of A that I can only assume is reaching pandemic proportions: obesity. And it's no longer just reserved for truck drivers, computer programmers, and Mindy Cohn. You're too fat. I'm too fat. Britney's too fat. Hell, even the Olsen Twins are too fat (at least one of them).

Granted, anorexia is not always the solution, but laying off the Krispy Kremes and McMuffins can't hurt. Not everyone can be as strong, svelte, and street-savvy as, say, Chuck Norris, but at least we can try. People always bitch about how magazines, movies, and TV portray an ideal of skinny men and women, and it's not fair because not everyone can be that skinny, blah, blah, blah. To me, that's always come across as fat people speak for "I'm too lazy to work out or eat right." Well America (or at least the 26 of you that will read this), it's time to start doing something about your gut and cankles. I issue you the following challenges:
1. Stop eating so damn much.
2. Eat better. And don't be a moron about it. You know damn well that a diet that says you should eat bacon and steak, but steer clear of fruits and vegetables, cannot possibly be healthy.
3. Whenever you see someone who's fat eating something fatty, say "you know, eating that can kill you" in the same I'm-pretending-I'm-the-only-one-in-the-world-who-knows-what-I'm-about-to-tell-you tone that people use to tell smokers "you know, smoking can kill you." When the fat person reacts negatively, punch him/her in the gut and say, "Try and catch me. Bet you can't." Then start running circles around them.
4. Have more sex. Research has found that the more sex someone has, the thinner they are. Even if that's not true, at least you'll be having more sex.
5. So help me God, if you are on the first or second floor of a building, take the fucking stairs up (and certainly down) instead of the elevator. Because if I see you taking the elevator, I will kick you in the shins.
6. Holy shit, join a gym. If that's not an option, start jogging or riding a bike. "But GMYH, it's too cold outside." Okay asswipe, then do Tae-Bo or Pilates. "But GMYH, can't you see that I'm too much of a man to do Tae-Bo or Pilates? You can't even imagine how bad my rep would suffer if that got out. I would absolutely die." Okay Stallone, buy a couple dumbells. Get a subscription to Men's Health--they always have plenty of workouts you can do at home while watching those Simpsons and Seinfeld reruns you absolutely can't miss each night. Do something for Christ's sake.
7. Sleep more. Mesopotamian researchers have discovered that you can't eat while you're sleeping.
8. Tell your friends and family to punch you in the peen or poon whenever they see you eating fast food or something fried. Good old Pavlovian conditioning should take its course rather quickly.
9. Run, don't walk. If you think walking will really give you as much benefit as running, then you probably also think you can lose weight by eating bacon instead of vegetables (see Challenge #2). Anything that doesn't make you sweat or breathe heavily probably isn't going to help you lose as much weight as something that does.
10. Make working out a regular part of your daily routine. "But GMYH, I just don't have time." Stop being such an ass clown. Everyone has time. America's the fattest country in the world, in part because of you. You owe it to me, you owe it to you, you owe it to everyone who has to look at you, and most importantly, you owe it to George Washington to make time.

Granted, this rant is a bit selfish. I would love to see fewer morbidly obese people in line in front of me at Wal-Mart. Hell, I would love to see a skinnier dude in the mirror every morning (and by "dude," I am referring to me). Personally, I'm fed up with every fatty's excuses about why he/she can't lose weight. We all make excuses, but the truth is that anyone can lose weight. For shit's sake, Jared lost 240 pounds by eating sandwiches and walking. The least you and I can do is take off 10-20 by having sex, eating vegetables, and running. "But GMYH, you can't possibly be referring to me because I'm already skinny." No, you're not.