They're Baaaaaack

It's been a while since I've had to deal with (or even hear about) the extremely disturbing and completely unnecessary fecal phantom phenomenon. Maybe I'm just a dreamer, but I foolishly thought that the word had spread and that fecal phantoms everywhere had been put on notice that their despicably dirty ways would no longer be tolerated. Boy was I wrong.

Approximately 15 minutes ago, I entered the men's lavatorial facility on my floor, which, in case you have forgotten, has only 2 stalls. Stall 1 was occupied, so I entered Stall 2. My theory is that the human brown eye in Stall 1 had wrapped up his duties just seconds before I opened the bathroom door (which was most likely only 45 seconds after he himself had opened the bathroom door). I heard no sounds that would suggest he wasn't finished with his business. I did hear what may have been silent weeping, perhaps because he thought his fecal phantomism was about to be exposed. After sitting in silence for a minute or two, this guy takes one pull from the toilet paper dispenser, presumably wipes (he and God are the only ones that know for sure), and then flushes mere seconds later. He then leaves the stall and heads for the sink. The water was running for approximately .62 seconds before he shut it back off and then loudly rubbed his hands together for about 2 seconds, perhaps in an attempt to make me believe that he had actually used soap. That theory was shot down when he failed to turn the water back on to wash the imaginary soap from his hands, but instead just grabbed some paper towels and hastily got the hell out of the bathroom before I had any chance of discovering his identity. The time from when he pulled the toilet paper to when he exited the bathroom was between 25-35 seconds.

I was able to see part of his shoe below the stall divider. Unfortunately, nearly every male attorney in my firm wears the same style of black dress shoe, so I have my work cut out for me. Rest assured, I won't be shaking any hands for the rest of the day.

Fecal phantoms must be stopped. If you encounter one, call him out. It will have to be quick, since they are both extremely swift and extremely spry. But let them know that their filthy ways will not be tolerated.