Warning to Procter & Gamble Employees: Fecal Phantom on the Loose

It is with great sadness and disgust that I must report that the fecal phantom phenomenon has spread its terrorizing and odorous wings, traveling beyond the confines of my office. I shit you not (pun intended). Recently, I received this deeply disturbing email from a Procter & Gamble employee (whose name I will keep anonymous for fear of fecal retribution from said phantom or phantoms):

"So the Fecal Phantom just struck my office. Not only did he wrap things up in about one minute with only one tear of the toilet paper roll, he then proceeds to cap things off with the half-second hand wash (where one turns the water on just long enough to swipe their hands under the faucet one time without even thinking about using soap). Needless to say, I vomited profusely before exiting the bathroom and returning to work, making sure to not make contact with the door-handle on the way out."

Absolutely sickening. Be warned P&G employees. This is not something to take lightly. Fecal phantoms have been known to strike when you'd least expect it, whether it's late morning, noon, or early afternoon. Be on the lookout for someone who fits the following characteristics:
Gender: male
Age: between 25 and 90
Height: between 5'0" and 8'0"
Weight: between 100 and 350 pounds (I assume that people weighing more than 350 pounds are not physically able to move fast enough to be fecal phantoms)
Key Traits: often gives the impression -- whether correct or not -- that he is busy; surprisingly well-dressed; absence of fear; smelly anus; unclean hands; thinks no one knows about his fecal phantomism; likes to tempt fate; cannot bring himself to sit on a toilet for longer than one minute

If you see anyone resembling these characteristics, be extremely cautious. You may indeed be dealing with a bona fide fecal phantom. If you are cornered by one of them (most likely while you are in a neighboring stall), the best thing you can do is remain quiet, time his visit, and report back to me. Under no circumstances should you confront a fecal phantom. Doing so may result in awkward conversation, unwarranted touching, and possibly the discovery that a fecal phantom is in fact someone who you used to respect.

If you are unsure whether or not you are a fecal phantom, please answer the following questions:
1. When confronted with the possibility of defecation, do you:
(a) cringe in fear (2 pts)
(b) welcome the challenge (0 pts)
(c) feel indifferent (1 pt)
2. After defecating, how many times do you wipe:
(a) once (3 pts)
(b) between one and three times (2 pts)
(c) between three and ten times (1 pt)
(d) as many times as it takes (-1 pt)
(e) wipe? what does that mean (5 pts)
3. Upon entering a bathroom stall in a public place (work, airport, restaurant, etc.) for purposes of defecation, what do you do?
(a) cover the seat using toilet paper or a supplied paper seat cover (0 pts)
(b) wipe the seat off with toilet paper (1 pt)
(c) wipe the seat off with your hand (2 pts)
(d) sit down immediately and begin defecating (3 pts)
4. After defecating and leaving the stall, what is your hand-washing procedure?
(a) what prodecure? (4 pts)
(b) rinse with water (2 pts)
(c) wash with soap and water (0 pts)
5. What is the average door-to-door time you spend in the bathroom when you defecate?
(a) between 5 seconds and one minute (5 pts)
(b) between one and three minutes (3 pts)
(c) over three minutes (1 pt)
6. On average, how many times do you defecate at work each day?
(a) 0-3 (1 pt)
(b) 4-6 (2 pts)
(c) over 6 (3 pts)

Now add up the point total corresponding to your answers. Here is what the various point totals mean:
0-6: You have nothing to worry about. You are in fact a normal shitter.
7-12: You show tendencies of being a fecal phantom. Be careful because only a couple wipes fewer or a couple fewer seconds in the can will send you over the edge.
13-22: You're a fecal phantom. For the benefit of humanity, you must either slow down or kill yourself.