"I Lick My Chops and You're Tasting Good"

Hair Band Friday has been a bit saucy here in the office today. Shari and Kari have been performing various sex acts on each other using binder clips, highlighters, and redwell folders, a feat that I didn't know was possible until I actually saw it, all to the tune of three wicked songs: "Bad Girl" by Trixter, "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)" by W.A.S.P., and "I Want You Both (With Me)" by Anvil. Earlier I found myself reviewing documents while standing on my desk buck naked -- save for my black dress socks, which were pulled up as high as they could go -- howling like a banshee and occasionally running in place, likely because of the mixture of coke and Red Bull and vodkas I have been ingesting since about 7:30 this morning. When I realized what I was doing, I quickly sat down, took a couple Xanax, doused myself with a bottle of merlot, and then started looking for my cockring and these Japanese twins that I thought I saw in here earlier. While I didn't find the twins (turns out what I thought were Japanese twins were just two wooden chairs), I did find some chick named Darci who made me forget about the twins because of her willingness to please me in the most nefarious of ways in exchange for simply letting her watch me write a memo.

My weekend is shaping up to be the popular independence-celebrating combination of booze, charred animal flesh, baseball, small missiles, and studying for the bar. Happy 230th birthday America! In honor of our fair land, I will leave you this weekend with a whole bunch of random shit to keep you entertained when fireworks are not enough. Sadly, I don't have any stories about 5-year-old transvestites to flip out about this week.

Links

• Here is a link to a recent hilarious Onion article entitled "Government To Defend Marriage from Dashing Reginald St. Croix, Esq." Thanks to Tradd "The Dude Abides" Fromme for sending me the link.
• For those of you who plan on being in, or simply traveling through, Will County, Illinois, heed this warning: Beware of bats! Apparently they're having a problem with rabid bats biting people. As if dealing with bats wasn't already a big enough pain in the ass. To be safe, vets are suggesting cloaking yourselves with garlic necklaces at all times and carrying wooden stakes, crosses, and silver bullets (the latter is just in case rabies turns bats into werewolves). My favorite part of the article is when Orville Hires, the 87-year-old man who got bit, is describing what he did after he got bit: "That thing bit hard. . . . Then I clubbed it, and it finally got off. And then I took a stick and batted it." "Batted" it, Orville? Touché. Thanks to my bat-loving, yet vampire-fearing, wife Jester for alerting me to this horrifying reality.

Videos (all thanks to Tron Wiescinski)

• A three- or four-year-old kid in a suit dancing better than I ever will.
• A classic moment from a British game show, full of double entendre, toilet humor, and the like. You may have seen this on Most Outrageous Game Show Moments.
• A short clip showing a ladder race, a completely safe sport that I assume is from the Netherlands or Wisconsin.
• Some moron high schooler, who I assume is Dutch or a Cheesehead, who let his friends shoot his chest up with paint balls. He got what he deserved.
• Some future date rapist with hair band hair, competing in karate's U.S. Open, which I assume took place in either Maastricht or Eau Claire.
• This clip is from an episode of Maury entitled "My Fear of Mustard and Pickles is Ruining My Life!" This type of behavior is typical of people from Holland or the Badger State, or those sodomized by Oscar the Grouch. If The Onion had a TV station -- and it should -- this is the type of thing that would be on. Maury can barely contain himself.
• Funny song and cartoon about how much of a badass George Washington was. Interestingly, George Washington neither liked windmills nor cheese curds.

Enjoy your long weekend, and dammit, be good to each other.