Court Rushing in College Basketball

So IU beat Illinois last night. It was a good game. IU tried its damnedest to let Illinois back in the game, but pulled it out in the end. And of course Illini fans are bitching (for what reason, God only knows), since that's what they do best. When Illinois wins, their fans think Illinois is the greatest team in the history of college athletics. When Illinois loses, their fans dream up every possible excuse for losing except that their team didn't play as well as the other team. But I digress.

The most disturbing development was that the IU students rushed the court after the game. I found this to be appalling. Granted, Illinois was the #5 team in the country, but come on Hoosier fans, act like you've been there. A court rushing is a special occurrence that should be reserved for only a few distinct, monumental situations. Being an alum of such a venerable and storied basketball institution such as Indiana University, I feel that it is my duty to explain when it is and is not appropriate for students to rush the court following a victory. Here they are:

Situations in Which it is Appropriate to Rush a Basketball Court:
1. You beat the #1 team (and your team is not ranked in the top 10)
2. You clinch a conference championship
3. You beat a higher-ranked team on a last-second shot
4. You end a losing streak of 30+ games
5. You beat a yearly opponent you haven't beaten in 20+ years
6. You beat a ranked team for the first time in your school's history

Situations in Which it is Inappropriate to Rush a Basketball Court*:
*These are of course subject to the above rules regarding when it is appropriate to rush the court. When the rules conflict, go with the "appropriate" rule over the "inappropriate" rule.
1. You beat an unranked team, no matter how bad you are (rushing the court in that situation is the equivalent of Belgians celebrating their country's military victory over France)
2. You beat a team ranked lower than your team (even if you're #2 and they're #3)
3. You win a game in which you were the favorite (rushing the court in that situation is the equivalent of clapping and cheering for Carl Lewis as he breezes across the finish line ahead of a toddler with Down Syndrome)
4. You are a student at Duke, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, North Carolina, or UCLA (your schools are considered the elite programs in the history of college basketball, so act like it.)
5. You beat a team at home that you already beat on the road earlier in the season (rushing the court in that situation is the equivalent of calling your ex-girlfriend a week after you broke up with her to tell her that you're breaking up with her--fun, but unnecessary)
6. You beat any of the following: a team not in the ACC, Big Ten, Big East, Big XII, Pac-10, or SEC; Northwestern; a team in your own conference; any school from Mississippi, Alabama, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, or South Bend; or a team that has never won an NCAA title (in men's basketball, that is).

And if you do rush the court, for the love of Robert Montgomery Knight, make sure that everyone's with you. There's nothing more pathetic than seeing 20 drunk Nebraska students rush the court after a big win over unranked Texas A&M, only to look around and realize that they're the only ones on the court. They try to persuade the rest of the students to join them, but all they receive is the collective blank stare of hesitant confusion and outright shame.

It goes without saying that this message needs to be spread to college students around the country. Please, for the good of humanity and the future of respectable intercollegiate athletics, forward them this post or email it to them using that nice little envelope icon at the bottom of the post. Even if we can convince just one student section not to rush the court in an inappropriate circumstance, then I think we've made the world a better place. Together.