Commercials I Hate

While watching the NFL playoffs and a variety other television programming over the past several weeks, I have grown to despise more than one commercial. I pray that I will not see the following commercials during the Super Bowl:

• That smug UPS Whiteboard motherfucker with shoulder-length dark hair. What idiot at UPS thought, "You know what we need to make people hate us? Oh, a completely unlikeable asshole with a widow's peak and long hair who draws on a dry erase and comes across as the kind of guy who lets you know just how much he knows about wine, even (read: especially) when you don't ask." Someone apparently forgot that people with long hair are generally thought of as untrustworthy. Think about all the untrustworthy long-haired assholes throughout history: Andrew Johnson (right), Kurt Cobain, Yanni, women, Fabio, Kevin Federline, Jay (of Jay and Silent Bob fame), American Indians, Mitch Kramer, Emo Phillips, Johnny from The OC. You get the point.
• The McDonald's "Dollar Menunaires" commercial. First of all, I should mention that McDonald's commercials have been unbearable since the "I'm lovin' it" campaign started. The advertising geniuses behind that should be drawn and quartered in the town square. Second, out of all the Seaver kids, Ben? Seriously? Sorry, but he was the least likeable of Maggie and Jason's offspring. He pissed everyone off as a child and teen. Why would that change as an adult? Just because he now has dyed black hair and a goatee? If McDonald's really wanted to make a statement, they would have gone with Tracey Gold.
• That godawful Wendy's commercial with the two wannabe hipsters sitting in a library bragging (in the exact same voice, mind you) that they each spent $2.99 on their respective meals. This commercial is completely unrealistic for several reasons. First, no restaurant sells food as small as what the first guy was eating. Thanks for insulting our intelligence, Wendy's. Second, guys who are clearly in their late 30s or early 40s do not go to academic libraries and talk to other dudes. Third, I'm married to a librarian, and she explained not only that food would not be allowed, but also that these two guys would not be sitting at a table, but rather computers in the corner facing away from everyone else where they would be masturbating to pictures of 13-year-old Ukrainian girls. And boys.
• State Farm Agent Mark DeCarlo. His mannerisms suggest that he's either computer-generated, not really a State Farm agent, a six-foot tall penis, or all three. One thing is clear: he needs to be slaughtered like a cow. Seriously, sledgehammer to the skull, killing floor, the whole nine yards.
• Those Toyota truck commercials where they compare various obscure parts on a regular pickup to various obscure parts on a Toyota pickup. I can guarantee no one wrote Toyota and asked for them to make a motor that is 1.5 inches longer than other motors.
• Commercials for that undoubtedly terrible new movie Music & Lyrics, with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. I like Drew, seriously. But when is Hugh Grant going to stop acting? I use the term "acting" loosely because he pretty much plays the same character in every movie: himself. But women seem to like him because he's just oh so delightfully British.

I'm sure there are others I'm forgetting, but those are the ones that come to mind at the present time. Feel free to share your own thoughts and hates.