Two Weeks of Hell

Sweet mother of God, not having internet access at home for nearly two weeks is about as fun as getting gang probed with a rusty nail by really drunk, unclean aliens. Christoff, you know what I'm talking about. And to make matters worse, the blockage of various websites at work meant no blogging, MySpace, YouTube, online cockfight gambling, or donkey porn for the past two weeks, and I had the pleasure of checking my email only via my phone, which is about as fun as going down on Rhea Pearlman. DeVito, you know what I'm talking about.
Here's what's happened since we last spoke:

• I started writing for Bluff the Donkey, a satirical, Onion-esque online rag that pokes fun at the world of professional poker. It is run by (and 90% of the content is written by) Australian Andrew from my Second City class, and it's updated every other Wednesday. Apparently, it's been gaining popularity among the professional poker community. I will be writing under the name Douglas Spring. Since I know very little about professional poker, my contributions should be interesting, if not completely unintelligible and in no way based on reality.
• Notre Dame got throttled in the Sugar Bowl by LSU, 41-14, once again proving the age-old maxim, "Notre Dame is overrated." I am proud to say that, since 1994, my beloved Indiana Hoosiers have won as many bowl games as the "Fighting" Irish. Of course the fact that Notre Dame undeservedly gets into a BCS bowl every year presents me with a conundrum. On one hand, if they don't go to a BCS bowl, they get their just come-up'ns. On the other hand, if they don't go to a BCS bowl, they are more likely to play a team whose talent is on par with theirs (i.e., less talent than a real BCS team), who will not beat them by 20+ points.
• Ohio State got throttled in the BCS Championship game by Florida, also 41-14. After Florida's 86-60 basketball victory over OSU a few weeks ago, if you would have told me that Florida would beat OSU in football by a greater margin, I would have called you crazy. Granted, I would have given you a big hug and bought you a drink of your choosing, but I still would have called you crazy.
• Darrent Williams? Dead.
• Lily Munster? Dead.
• Al-Qaeda leader in Somalia? Probably dead.
• Saddam Hussein? Really dead.
• EarthLink CEO? Dead fast.
• USC's kicker? Flat dead.
• Creator of Scooby Doo? Read.
• On New Year's Eve, thanks in large part to the intentional combination of Maker's Mark and ginger ale, for once I got to leave a bar early because Jessie was drunker than I was. Sadly, I am unable to hold this over her head on account of the fact that I hold a 651-1 lead in that category. My sole New Year's Resolution is that Jessie repeats said actions at some point in 2007.
• Fox canceled The OC, probably because it was unfair to all the other networks and all the other Fox shows that The OC was so far above and beyond what passes for television in this day and age. First of all, I'd like to thank my many loyal readers for their outpouring of emotional and sexual support in my time of need. The last episode will air February 22. A part of me will die that day, and this year it won't just be because it's the anniversary of the death of Chuck Jones. I'll probably spend most of the day smacking myself in the head, getting hammered and roofied in Tijuana, playing water polo, dropping well-timed sarcastic quips, surfing, getting kicked out of Brown for ecoterrorism, marrying some dude just for his money, shooting my boyfriend's brother, moving to Portland with my gay dad, writing graphic novels, pronouncing words in a fashion that suggests I need the taste slapped out of my mouth (ef that's okah weth yauw), embezzling money from my clients, defending indigent criminals, running a brothel, coping with alcoholism, and kicking the ass of every man, woman, and child who tries to stop me.
• On the bright side, TBS canceled the Megan Mullaly Show, which means that Saved By The Bell is back on TBS each morning from 7 to 8 CST, which means that my breakfasts are once again palatable.
• I got a bunch of new CDs. In addition to some totally sweet classics from Thin Lizzy, GN'R, The Ramones, and Dr. Dre, I also got several recently released (i.e., within the last 6 months or so) albums:
  
  Boys and Girls in America by The Hold Steady (5 Handrews) – This made many 2006 Top 10 lists (including Rolling Stone, NPR, The Onion AV Club, Pitchfork Media, and Pop Matters) and has drawn favorable comparisons to Born to Run (which is one of my favorite albums), and rightfully so on both accounts. Craig Finn delivers his usual intelligent lyrics and themes, but this album is catchier and more musically interesting than The Hold Steady's previous two, featuring straight-forward rock, several anthems, and solid ballads. Check out Letterman tonight to see them. Favorite songs: Massive Nights, Stuck Between Stations, You Can Make Him Like You
  
  Magic Potion by The Black Keys (3.5 Handrews) – Also on many top album lists, Magic Potion is not as good as 2004's Rubber Factory, but still features the same badass, blues-based garage fuzz rock that I've come to know and love from these Akronians. Favorite songs: Your Touch, Black Door, Just a Little Heat.
  
• A photo of Jessie appeared on page 26 of the January 10, 2007 edition of the Red Eye (the Tribune's free daily paper), during the Red Eye's review of the Kirkwood Bar & Grill (the new IU bar).
• Jessie's main Christmas present to me was a new tattoo. I haven't gotten it yet, as I am still in the process of figuring out what I want to get. Any thoughts or suggestions? Jessie keeps telling me to get an elephant ear on each upper inner thigh.
• Last weekend, a couple of my peeps from D-town came to visit, Holt and Nick. We attended various social events and taverns.
• IU murdered both Michigan State and Purdue, which has no doubt given me overinflated expectations for the remainder of the season.
• Today I was sworn into the United States District Court for the Northern District of Illinois. Judge Pallmeyer presided over my section of the alphabet. She referred to the ceremony as "the closest thing we have to civil religion." I almost laughed out loud in a quiet federal court room.
• With the help of the good folks at AT&T, I am now paying for reliable internet service.

I'm sure I've forgotten several things that have happened over the past several weeks. If so, please alert me via a succinct, well-written comment to this post. Now I begin the task of replying to several hundred emails.