Golden Globes

For some reason, watching awards shows doesn't interest me unless they are entitled "The Academy Awards" or "The 1990 American Music Awards" (which I think I may have on tape somewhere at my mom's house). Ergo, I did not watch but fourteen seconds of the Golden Globes last night, all fourteen of which involved Salma Hayek. Nonetheless, I am always happy to read a list of winners the next day. Everything seemed to be in order, for the most part.

Dreamgirls came away as the big winner, taking several major awards. I haven't seen it, but if Eddie Murphy is anything like he was in Raw, then I'm sure I'm in for a treat.

I was glad to see that Alec Baldwin won for Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy in a TV show for 30 Rock, which is probably the funniest new show on TV. If you haven't seen it, do it.

I was glad to see that Borat won for Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy in a film for his portrayal of himself in Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. It's amazing how different and Westernized he looks now that he's become a star. Apparently he's banging that crazy chick from Wedding Crashers. As he would say, "That's goooood!"

Warren Beatty received the Cecil B. DeMille Award for lifetime achievement in motion picture. Apparently the Hollywood Foreign Press Association forgot about Ishtar. Beatty is so vain. He probably thinks this post is about him. Doesn't he? Doesn't he?

The chick from Ugly Betty won Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy for TV. Interestingly, she snubbed the awards show, probably because of her homeliness. Instead, someone who appeared to be her better-looking sister accepted the award on her behalf.

If the Golden Globes are any indication, Helen Mirren should focus all of her energy on playing Queens of England. Finally, I have hope for my many screenplays:

• Whore of Whitehall (based on the tumultuous and adulterous exploits of Henry VIII's fifth wife, Catherine Howard);
• Worst Nine Days Ever (based on the very short reign of Lady Jane Grey and her subsequent execution; this may be tough, since Jane was 16 when she reigned and was beheaded, but if anyone can do it, Helen Mirren can);
• Bloody Maries with Bloody Mary (a hilarious madcap comedy in which Mary I of England -- played to a tee by Helen Mirren -- accidentally falls into a time portal while trying to figure out the next Protestant to burn at the stake, and she is transported forward in time to a University of Texas tailgate -- before a UT/A&M game no less! -- where she encounters new ideas, difficulty adjusting, outrageous characters, camaraderie, and, ultimately, love, but will her new beau go back in time with her or will she decide to give up the monarchy for beef jerky and armadillos?);
• Larger Than Lace (based on the eating habits of Queen Anne during her later years, focusing mainly on the fact that she was unable to fit into a standard coffin);
• 74 Fucking Years (obviously based on the reign of Queen Victoria); and
• So VICTORIAus (less serious than 74 Fucking Years, this is another one based on Queen Victoria, but this one revolves around her trying to downplay the fact that she pretty much got where she was because of her dad's connections).

Here are a couple good pictures from before and after the awards ceremony:

Paris Hilton showed up, despite the fact that she was snubbed by not being nominated in the Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy category for film for her gritty, surprisingly believable portrayal of wealthy socialite Lisa Mancini (opposite an equally deserving Jason Mewes) in the straight-to-DVD instant classic, Bottoms Up. I guess Paris will just have to resign herself to the fact that the three AVN Awards for 1 Night in Paris may be the only awards given to a film in which she appears. At least she has a sense of humor about it, as evidenced by the fact that her dress is made from a shower curtain. Take that HFPA!

She does exist: Thanks for ruining The OC by leaving. You better look off-guard, slightly scared, and possibly intoxicated. Nice electrical tape dress.

Speaking of anorexia, since when did Ashley Olson turn into an underage, undead, breastless hooker clown from the 1920s who bathes only in talcum powder? Anyone up for a speakeasy? No thanks, how 'bout a Saltine instead? Where are Kate Bosworth and Keira Knightly when you need them? Oh wait, there they are, right behind Ashley. You can't see them because they're turned sideways.

I'm glad to see that Teri Hatcher is completely oblivious to the fact that she is being kidnapped by a French cat burglar. Or is that The Edge?
No, no, sweetie, the invitation was for Sacha Cohen.
With this picture, David Krumholtz left everyone at the Weinstein Company afterparty wondering, "Who the fuck is David Krumholtz and why does his grin suggest that he eats feces?"