Weakest Man Ever

So last night I was at the IU/Northwestern game up in Evanston. Along with Tradd, Goni, Chambers, Morgan, and Colin, we were sitting up in the nose bleeds in section 303. There were four kids sitting in the front row of our section and then an empty row or two, and then us. In front of the kids was a walkway between the 200 and 300 levels, and, in front of that, the last row of section 203. Of these children, three were floppy-haired boys, aged approximately 14, 14, and 10, and there was a girl who was approximately 14.

During one of the timeouts in the second half, Northwestern had a contest at one of the baskets where a little girl tried to make shots from various circles within 60 seconds, winning prizes with each shot made. The crowd gets into it. Everyone has a great time. Or, at least they usually do.

A couple forty- to fifty-year-old men sitting in the last row of section 203 stood up, along with their children, who appeared to be in the 10-12 range. They weren't standing up for any real purpose other than to stand up. The 10-year-old floppy-haired kid -- we'll call him Younger Brother -- asked them to sit down because they were blocking his view of the contest. One "man" -- we'll call him Giant D-Bag -- was wearing glasses and a kelly green t-shirt (that said "basketball coach" over the left breast) tucked into blue jeans. Giant D-Bag tells the Younger Brother, in so many words, to piss off, and Giant D-Bag remains standing. Younger Brother's older brother -- we'll call him Dave -- didn't appreciate a giant douchebag talking to Younger Brother like that, so Dave animatedly told Giant D-Bag to sit down and not to talk to Younger Brother like that (without swearing, mind you). While the other people who had been standing up politely sat down, Giant D-Bag did not.

Instead, he ungracefully climbed over the railing that was behind his seat, got onto the walkway -- all the while staring at Dave. Then, without saying a word, he pointed at Dave, and then pointed down the walkway, as if to suggest that he and Dave should exchange words in private or perhaps engage in some sort of slap fight. Giant D-Bag walked down the walkway towards the exit. Dave just sat where he was.

Thirty seconds later, Giant D-Bag returns. With FIVE cops. He motioned to Dave as if to say "officers, that's the horrible man I've been telling you about." The cops assessed the situation, probably realizing very quickly that this 75-pound beanpole with floppy hair was 125 pounds smaller, a foot shorter, and 30 years younger than Giant D-Bag. Dave explained what happened. The cops made Dave and Giant D-Bag shake hands. As four of the cops walked away rolling their eyes, one lingered behind and told Younger Brother that if Giant D-Bag gives them any more trouble, to come find a cop. Giant D-Bag then spent the next half hour standing in the entranceway to the next section over, cooling off.

Everyone who witnessed this whole incident agreed that it might have been the weakest thing we've ever seen. A grown man whose t-shirt implies that he is a basketball coach cannot handle getting yelled at by a 14-year-old, so he goes running to the cops. I wonder what he told them. Seriously. "Excuse me officers, there is a menacing child over there who nearly threatened me. He probably has a gun and drugs. I'm so scared. Please remove him from the arena." And then on the walk over, he stayed behind the cops, whimpering "I am so scared right now, you guys. Oh my God. You guys talk to him. I can't. THAT'S HIM!! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!"

More than anything, I feel bad for Giant D-Bag's two sons, who had to witness their father tattle on a prepubescent in an IU shirt, rather than get up and say, "I'm an adult. Don't talk to me like that. However, I will sit down because I am, in fact, blocking your view. Also, I'm a giant douchebag."