Speak of the Devil

[NOTE: many of the links in this post may not be kosher with your employer's internet usage policy, but I suppose it should be, since it's all about being a good Christian.]

So remember last week when I suggested some of you might want to give up, among other things, making Bible-themed porn for Lent? I was just kidding. You know, because I didn't think that people actually made Christian porn, since Jesus and gang bangs don't seem to go hand in hand.

Apparently, I was not kidding. Tail Pipe sent me a link to a web page called "A Proposal for a Christian Pornography." This is fucking (pun intended) awesome.

According to the site, here are the rules for making Christian porn:
1. It must depict only married couples engaging in sexual acts. Of course. It wouldn't be porn if they weren't engaging in sexual acts.
2. It must portray sex within the context of a Christian marriage. So no Asians?
3. It must be instructional. All porn is instructional, as it teaches you, for instance, how to bang chicks.
4. Husband and wife must both receive their due benevolence. 69!
5. No extramarital sex, unless it is to illustrate the downfalls of adultery. So I guess when mom gets naughty with her daughter's well-hung boyfriend, dad should divorce her.
6. It must be uplifting and inspirational, focusing on strengthening Christian marriage and Christian faith. All porn is uplifting and inspirational, so that's not a problem. As for the second part, does the phrase "Oh God" mean anything to you?
7. No profanity. This would seem to be nearly impossible, based on every single porn I've ever seen. "Insert your penis into my vagina repeatedly in a manner that is decreasingly soft."

As if the rules of Christian porn weren't hilarious enough, the website also has links disucssing the following sexual concerns and, in doing so, makes the most compelling argument for Christianity that I have ever heard:

-Anal. This might be the best paragraph I've ever read in my life: "Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that's why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body's needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage." Really? Because I always thought chicks with distended anuses, while not necessarily pregnant, were certainly not "pure." The fact that there are unmarried hardcore Christians out there going two hole in the name of the Lord is absolutely hysterical -- and adorable -- on so many levels.

-Fellatio and Cunnilingus. For some reason, they call it "oral sex," and it's apparently okay with the big man. Good to know.

-Christian threesomes. What?! Interestingly, the Bible and Barney Stinson share one common value: No Devil's threeways.

-ED. "A Strong Erection is a Gift from God." Jesus Christ.

-Masturbation. Not a sin. Thank God.

-BDSM. Nothing says "I love God" like telling your spouse "I said lick my fucking boot clean."

-Shaving. Now this is something everyone can agree on. Who knew God likes nothing more than a landing strip?

And now my favorite:

-Fisting. The page is entitled "Fisting and God's Will." Holy shit. Apparently there are limits to God's will. For instance, a man may fist his wife without concern for what God may think. However, "a couple should first look deeply into their own hearts and pray for guidance as to whether it is wise for the wife to fist the husband." Truer words have never been spoken.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, there is a Q&A page that puts everything above to shame. I was half expecting them to say abortion's cool. It's not, by the way, except if conceived anally with a fist.