Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Shit I Hate: Strippers with Meth Teeth

For the love of God, there has to be a dentist in this town. I don't give a shit if Tail Feathers doesn't offer dental insurance or that you have a raging habit to support, because I'm not paying $7 a Bud Light to see a stripper whose open mouth looks like Carlsbad Caverns. Please take the dollar bill I stuffed into your chartreuse g-string when I was mesmerized with your ability to slowly slide down that pole while hanging upside down -- when I still thought you resembled a young Uma Thurman more so than The Leprechaun -- and put it in that empty mayonnaise jar you keep next to the barren mattress in the room you've been staying in for the past few months or possibly years (you're not sure which it is because you've only slept a total of fourteen minutes in the past in six months, and, to be honest, the rest is kind of a blur, and, no, I don't have any meth), and when you have compiled somewhere between three and four dollars in the jar, buy some Arm & Hammer Advance White Baking Soda & Peroxide toothpaste. Use it. everyday. At least twice, and preferably after every time you smoke meth. So I guess that would be more than twice a day. Just make it a habit. You've proven that you can do that. When that doesn't work, you can always buy some fake teeth from the costume store -- NOT the ones that look just like yours because I don't think that will address the issue properly. Even vampire teeth would work, considering every guy's fantasy is to bang a vampire stripper. If that doesn't work, you can buy a mouth guard. Actually, on second thought, don't do that, because guys tend not to associate mouth guards with sexual attraction, so that might stifle the prospect of being rained upon with paper currency. Actually, what I think would really help is to stop smoking meth. Then you wouldn't have to be a stripper because you wouldn't have a meth habit to support, although I think you should stick with it because you got the tits for it. Using the money you will save by not buying meth several times a day, you can get yourself some nice veneers or even some dentures. Then you would be unstoppable. Imagine how much more money you'll make when your customers aren't afraid to fall asleep because they're concerned that you will enter their dreams and try to kill them. And then imagine how much meth you can buy with all that teeth money. Everybody wins.

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