Retro Video of the Week: "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Growing up, I didn't have cable, so whenever I went over to a friend's house or babysat, I mostly watched MTV.  Of course, there were other non-cable music video programs, like Friday Night Videos and another one that seemed to be on after school a lot, the name of which escapes me.  Anywho, since MTV has turned its focus from music to degos and pregnant teenagers, the music video seems to have lost some of its luster.  I think that's bullshit.  Thus, each week, I will be celebrating the golden age of music videos – from MTV's founding in 1981 to 2000, when I graduated from college and MTV really started moving away from videos – by posting a video from that time range.  I won't necessarily be commenting on every video, but I may now and then.  Here's the first one, "Cannonball" by The Breeders, which I watched last week for some reason and remembered how awesome of a song it is.  I also remember thinking the Deal sisters were probably hot, but I could never totally be sure because the camera is never on one shot long enough.

Tuesday Top Ten: Jailbait Songs

Given the recent allegations that have come to light regarding Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine, it seems timely to have a Tuesday Top Ten about thoughts of inappropriate touching.  In the rock and roll world, there has long been a coveting of younger women, be it Jerry Lee Lewis marrying his 13-year-old cousin or Jimmy Page's relationship in the '70s with a teenage Lori Maddox.  Oddly, it's not that unusual for songs to be written about jailbait. 

So what constitutes a "jailbait song"?  It has to be sung by someone over 18 about someone under 18.  Thus, Another Bad Creation's hit "Iesha" doesn't qualify because both the boys in the group and Iesha were under 18.  All that is is adorable.

So anyway, here are my top ten jailbait songs, along with their creepiest lines.

10 (tie).  "Good Morning Little Schoolgirl" by The Yardbirds (1961) (cover of a 1937 Sonny Boy Williamson song)

"Good morning little schoolgirl / Good morning little schoolgirl / Can I go home with you?"  No.

10 (tie).  "Goin' Blind" by Kiss (1974)

"Little lady can't you see / You're so young and so much different than I / I'm 93, you're 16."  When I was your age, Grover Cleveland was president. Now take off your corset and bang me.

9.  "You're Sixteen" by Ringo Starr (1974) (cover of a 1960 Johnny Burnette song)

"You're 16 / You're beautiful / And you're mine."  On the bright side, there is a kazoo.

8.  "Little Queenie" by Chuck Berry (1959)

"She's too cute / To be a minute over seventeen / Meanwhile I was thinkin' / She's in the mood."  This was the a-side to a song called "Almost Grown."  Not even kidding.

7.  "Jailbait" by Motorhead (1980)

"Teenage baby you're a sweet young thing / Still tied to Mommy's apron strings / I don't even dare to ask your age / It's enough to know you're here backstage / You're jailbait, and I just can't wait."  I love Lemmy.

6.  "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and The Union Gap (1968)

"Young girl, get out my mind / My love for you is way out of line."  At least he recognizes that.

5.  "16 Candles" by The Crests (1958)

"You're only 16 / But your my teenage queen."  To this guy's credit, at least he waited until the day she turned 16 to start signing about her.

4.  "Dancing Queen" by Abba (1976)

"You are the dancing queen / Young and sweet / Only 17."  There's no reason a 17-year-old girl needs to be out clubbing, even in Sweden where I assume everyone is very nice.

3.  "Christine Sixteen" by Kiss (1977)

"I don't usually say things like this to girls your age, but when I saw you coming out of the school that day, that day I knew, I knew, I've got to have you, I've got to have you."  Why was Gene Simmons hanging out outside a high school?

2.  "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles (1963)

"Well she was just 17 / You know what I mean."  I don't, Paul.

1.  "Seventeen" by Winger (1988)

"Daddy says she's too young / But she's old enough for me."  Great song.

Any other songs Humbert Humbert would like that I missed?

Undefeated After Week 13

The Hoosiers ended their disaster of a season by getting jobbed by the refs on a late call that gave the ball to Purdue as IU was driving to tie the game.  Apparently in the Big Ten, when a wide receiver comes down with the ball and then the defender takes it out of the wide receiver's hands on the ground, that's an interception.  And it's not reviewable.  No matter.  At least the Hoosiers and their fans didn't have to drive back to West Lafayette like the Purdue players and fans did.  Thus, IU wins in the broader sense.

Unfortunately, it looks like LSU and Alabama are going to be playing in the BCS championship game, barring LSU losing to Georgia this Saturday in the SEC championship game.  The BCS needs to change its rules so that if there are two or fewer undefeated teams, those teams automatically play in the BCS championship game.  Assuming Houston wins the C-USA championship game this weekend, they at least deserve a shot at playing the only other undefeated team.  Instead, we will get to watch a rematch of an overtime game whose only scoring plays were field goals.  If Alabama beats LSU, are they really the best team in the country?  The teams would have split their games 1-1, with LSU winning at Alabama and Alabama winning on neutral ground.  This is why the BCS sucks.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining game (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1  LSU (11-0)

12/3 – SEC Championship game vs. Georgia (10-2) (.833)

#8 Houston (11-0)

12/3 – Conference USA Championship game vs. Southern Miss (10-2) (.833)

Best Band of Our Generation: Finals!

And then there were two.  Guns N' Roses took Weezer down by a 67% to 33% margin, setting up an all-hair-band final:  5-seed Def Leppard against 7-seed Guns N' Roses.  I'm so proud of all of you.  You have one week to vote.  Now get to it!

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far.  Winners are in green.


Finals
5.  Def Leppard (1980)
7.  Guns N' Roses (1987)

Semifinals

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

11.  Weezer (1994)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (67%)

Quarterfinals

1.  U2 (1980)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4.  Metallica (1983)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11.  Weezer (1994) (72%)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (57%)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1.  U2 (1980) (57%)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8.  Nirvana (1989)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984)

20.  The White Stripes (1999)

4.  Metallica (1983) (83%)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11.  Weezer (1994) (75%)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980)

15.  Green Day (1990) 

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1.  U2 (1980) (60%)

32.  The Pixies (1987)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17.  The Cure (1980)

9.  Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8.  Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25.  The Black Crowes (1990)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28.  Poison (1986)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21.  Depeche Mode (1981)

13.  Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20.  The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4.  Metallica (1983) (100%)

29.  Soundgarden (1988)

3.  R.E.M. (1982)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19.  Duran Duran (1981)

11.  Weezer (1994) (80%)

22.  Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27.  Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26.  Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10.  Radiohead (1993)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15.  Green Day (1990) (75%)

18.  The Pretenders (1980)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31.  Oasis (1994)

Purdue Sucks at Math. And Basketball. And Life.

Sorry, there will be no Tuesday Top Ten this week.  It's time to spew some venom.

It's Old Oaken Bucket week, which means it's your annual reminder that I hate Purdue University more than a bag full of donkey dicks with gonorrhea (and, by the transitive property, more than AIDS).  I will be attending Saturday's game (3:30 Eastern, Big Ten Network), where my 1-10 Hoosiers will have a chance to eliminate the 5-6 Boilermakers from bowl contention.  I could think of no better end to an otherwise miserable season. 

Did you know that the first words those Purdue football players who are able to express themselves orally say when they get to Bloomington is "whasat?"  That's the sun.  "What're them?"  Those are girls without muffin tops.  "Is this heaven?"  Yes.  That's why you don't belong here.

As we all know, Purdue is a barren, fetid wasteland, flanked by manure and industrial stench, where mouth-breathing Morlocks shuffle through campus in clothes that are purposely the color of urine.  Purdue and the horrible city in which it's located continue to give normally pigmented people like me fodder, be it the fact that their university was started by a man who IU refused to hire (presumably due to the ear hair, the chicken he always carried around, and his inability to end a sentence without "wait, what's that noise?"), the giant fan that the city bought to mitigate the ever-present stench of human waste, the alumni association video that asked alumni to give even only five dollars (which for most grads is more than they make in a week) that was so unbearable it was removed from YouTube by its creator, the letter to the editor of Purdue's student newspaper complaining about how "[w]omen at Purdue are too fat," the time Purdue offensive linemen decided to take a group picture in their Speedos, men's basketball coaches who look like Goonies characters (and not the attractive ones), a pregnant Purdue chick drinking a Natty Ice, Purdue students' willingness to smell manure, or everything else about that glorified two-year technical college.

Well, they've done it again.  For some reason, these people like to brag about their school's basketball history – one that includes no men's NCAA championships, no men's Final Fours since the Carter administration, and Carson Cunningham.  For Christ's sake (by the way, these people continue to believe in God), their "greatest recruiting class ever" didn't even make it past the Sweet 16.

They've, for some reason, decided to make a t-shirt for the rededication of Mackey Arena – a basketball arena that is most famous for its lack of national championship banners.  Here are two pictures of the t-shirt.  (Thanks to Hess for the link.)

"Rebirth of an Icon?"  An icon of what?  Mediocrity?  Helmets of hair?  Stephanie McCarty?  Purdue is, at best, the sixth best basketball program in Big Ten history.  In case it isn't obvious from the shirt, these dung beetles have combined their men's and women's basketball achievements, from both before and after Mackey Arena was in existence.  How can you pay homage to an arena whose best team was worse than Butler's second-best team?

And grammatically, the shirt is a disaster.  Why. are. there. periods. in. between. words?  You know why?  A lack of command of the English language.  I suppose that'll happen when your first language is "ag."

Also, unless you win a tournament, you're not a national champion.  For Purdue, their women's basketball team did actually win the 1999 NCAA championship.  The students then RIOTED.  Couches were burned.  Riot gear was donned.  In East Lansing, that's a Wednesday.  On the less successful men's side, Purdue's only "national championship" is the 1932 Helms Athletic Foundation national championship.  Do you know what that is?  Absolutely nothing.  The Helms Athletic Foundation was founded in 1936, and retroactively declared who it thought was the best team in college basketball going back to 1901 and naming them "national champions."  By that measure, IU has at least two more national titles (1975 and 1993).  For the record, the Purdue men's basketball team has won only one post-season tournament, the 1974 NIT.  Why that wasn't included on the t-shirt is beyond me.  Then again, I abide by the rules of logic and history.

In sum, during this Oaken Bucket weekend, you should remember that, no matter what happens in the game, people at IU don't have neckbeards.  They don't major in animal husbandry.  They don't whistle to communicate.  While IU may not win this game, sweet fucking Christ, at least we didn't spend four years in the single most miserable place on the planet.  In case I wasn't clear, fuck Purdue.  Go Hoosiers.  Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Career Builder is Trying to Tell Me Something

I haven't used Career Builder in 5 or 6 years, but every now and then I will get an email from them with a job posting.  None of the job postings ever have anything to do with what I do.  I got one the other day.  The subject line said "Elgin Community College is Interested in People Like YOU."  Oh really?  I like the show Community, so I opened the email.  It said, "We think this position may be of interest to you based on your experience and qualifications."  The position?  "Custodian I (Third Shift)."  Burn. 

Granted, I did spend two summers during college working as a janitor at a high school, but I left that one off my resume.  Regardless, most of my time was spent napping in the gymnasium gym, watching bootleg videos of the first South Park short (Jesus vs. Santa), playing basketball against the full-time janitors (and getting smoked every day), smoking, and watching my co-worker lose a bet and strip the wax off of a floor without a shirt on, wearing a bow tie, only to have our rotund female supervisor walk in.  It was pretty much the best job I've ever had.  I guess after being a janitor at a high school, community college is the next logical step, with the end goal of one day janitoring in the pros.  What hurts the most about this email is that Career Builder clearly believes my "experience and qualifications" don't merit an 8-4 position, or even a 4-midnight position.

Undefeated After Week 12

The Hoosiers returned to their usual ways, helping Michigan State clinch the Big Ten Leaders Division title.  Amazingly, that wasn't the biggest story in college football this weekend.  #2 Oklahoma State lost for the first time this season, and three other top 10 one-loss teams lost (#4 Oregon, #5 Oklahoma, and #7 Clemson).

Now, for the first time in BCS history, the top 3 teams are from the same conference (and the same division within that conference, for that matter):  #1 LSU, #2 Alabama, and #3 Arkansas.  Of course, LSU and Arkansas play this weekend, so one of those teams is probably out of the championship discussion after this weekend.  This is horrible news because it puts Alabama in the driver's seat for the #2 BCS ranking, even though it won't even win its division in the SEC.  Outside of Louisiana and Alabama, no one wants to see a rematch of LSU and Alabama in the BCS championship game.  More field goals!

Frankly, if LSU and Houston are the only unbeaten teams at the end of the regular season, they should play in the BCS championship game.  But they won't because the BCS is fatally flawed to favor teams from BCS conferences.  Think about that match-up, though.  LSU's stifling defense against Case Keenum and Houston's insane offense.  Pipe dreams I'm sure, but as the last few weeks have proven, anything is possible this year.

Here is what I would like to happen:

-LSU loses to Arkansas

-Alabama loses to Auburn

-Arkansas loses to Georgia in the SEC championship game

-Oklahoma State beats Oklahoma

-Stanford beats Notre Dame

-Virginia Tech loses to Clemson in the ACC championship game

-Houston and Boise State win out

This would leave Houston as the only undefeated team and LSU, Oklahoma State, Stanford, and Boise State as the only one-loss teams.

Here is a breakdown of the undefeated teams and each team's remaining games (rankings are BCS rankings):

#1  LSU (11-0)

11/25 – #3 Arkansas (10-1)

12/3 – SEC Championship game vs. Georgia (9-2)

                                     

Remaining opponents' combined record:  19-3 (.864)

#8 Houston (11-0)

11/25 – at Tulsa (8-3)

12/3 – Conference USA Championship game (TBD)

Remaining opponents' combined record:  8-3 (.727)

Newly Discovered Doors Song

As you may know, I love The Doors.  In January, Rhino is set to issue a 40th anniversary version of the L.A. Woman album.  The reissue with be two discs and will feature some alternate takes of songs on the album, as well as a song called "She Smells So Nice" that producer Bruce Botnik recently discovered.  Click here to hear a 30-second clip of the song.  (Thanks to Bonham for the link.)  It sounds like the booze-soaked blues that The Doors liked to play.  The only thing I don't like is that the clip ends right when it sounds like Morrison is about to go nuts.

Best Band of Our Generation: Semifinals Update

Def Leppard puts an end to 24-seed Mötley Crüe's Cinderella run, plowing its way into the finals with an 86% to 14% victory.  Semifinal #2 pits 11-seed Weezer against 7-seed Guns N' Roses.  You have until next Sunday to vote.  Make your Thanksgiving a rockin' one.

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far.  Winners are in green.

Semifinals

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

11.  Weezer (1994)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987)

Quarterfinals

1.  U2 (1980)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4.  Metallica (1983)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11.  Weezer (1994) (72%)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (57%)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1.  U2 (1980) (57%)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8.  Nirvana (1989)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984)

20.  The White Stripes (1999)

4.  Metallica (1983) (83%)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11.  Weezer (1994) (75%)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980)

15.  Green Day (1990) 

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1.  U2 (1980) (60%)

32.  The Pixies (1987)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17.  The Cure (1980)

9.  Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8.  Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25.  The Black Crowes (1990)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28.  Poison (1986)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21.  Depeche Mode (1981)

13.  Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20.  The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4.  Metallica (1983) (100%)

29.  Soundgarden (1988)

3.  R.E.M. (1982)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19.  Duran Duran (1981)

11.  Weezer (1994) (80%)

22.  Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27.  Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26.  Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10.  Radiohead (1993)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15.  Green Day (1990) (75%)

18.  The Pretenders (1980)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31.  Oasis (1994)

Listen to Hair Band Friday - 11/18/11

American Horror Story: Piggy Piggy

Praise be to Buddha for allowing WiFi on planes, so that I could watch last week's American Horror Story on my way back from Xanadu.  I'm still one episode behind, but things could be worse.  I could be wearing patchouli. 

Jester told me not to write such long recaps of American Horror Story.  Maybe I won't in the future, but I'm on a long flight sitting between two idiots who hopefully can't read.  I have nothing else to do. 

When we last spoke about American Horror Story, Viv was booting Ben from the Murder House, which you might expect, since he's an abortion-hiding philanderer and all.  We also learned that Tate is Constance's son, and he may or may not be the reincarnation of someone who murdered a bunch of high school classmates in or around 1994, which is too bad because that was an awesome time to be in high school.  Ace of Base was telling us not to turn around, a man named Coolio was taking us on a fantastic voyage, and no one had to watch Tim Tebow attempt to quarterback a National Football League team.

1994.  In the Westfield High School library some students are studying (or whatever it is students pretend to do in the library), when shots ring out.  Some guy with long hair a leather jacket runs into the library, closes the door, and barricades it shut with a rolling library cart.  He is obviously on the side of good in the metal vs. grunge debate.  A preppy and a cheerleader are all, "What gives?"  A chick who was probably really into L7 is all, "What's up with what's goin' down?"  Metal Guy (who was definitely one of the ghosts who messed with Tate in the last episode) tells them that someone is shooting up the school.  The idiots don't lock another door.  Tate shoots through it, paralyzing a teacher who probably should have been teaching a class instead of hanging out with a preppy, a cheerleader, and an alternative chick in the library.  Tate then finds L7 in the stacks.  She's all, "Aaaaaaa-andre.  IIIIIIII'm sorry."  Then Tate shoot her in the head.  She no longer needs to pretend that she's dead.  (Great fucking song, by the way.)  Next up is Metal Guy, unfortunately.  Not even a choice taste in music and a heart of gold are a match for a shotgun.  Meanwhile, a nerd grabs the phone at the circulation desk, which begs the question:  where the fuck is Conan the Librarian?  Seems like he would have been a good hire.  Tate finds the nerd, who's all, "Don't you know the Dewey Decimal system?"  Tate's all, "It's all Library of Congress now.  You should know that.  Nerd."  Shotgun blasts are heard.  Preppy decides he's going to put a stop to this.  He emerges from beneath a table and tells Tate to stop.  Tate promptly kills him.  Cheerleader PISSES HERSELF.  Rookie mistake.  She dies.

At the Murder House (still in 1994), the SWAT team bumrushes Tate's bedroom (now Violet's).  Tate is disrespectful, but we don't find out what happened right then.  Later on, we find out he grabbed a gun and the SWAT team mowed him down.  He didn't get a chance to say why he did it.

Back to the present day.  Violet is searching the Westfield High Massacre, and she seems that Tate is the murderer.  W.  T.  F?  Teenage dating is hard enough, but add in a mass murderer who has been dead for 17 years, and you might as well shutter your vagina until you get to Sarah Lawrence.

Constance is in Violet's kitchen when Violet is freaking out.  Constance tells Violet it's the house, then introduces her to Billie Dean Howard, some chick who is NOT endorsing Colt .45 or saving Han Solo's ass.  Billie Dee is a medium, although she does not appear to be an Arquette.  She asks Violet, "Do you think I wanted a bloody Mexican ghost in my bathroom?"  Apparently, this was not a rhetorical question.  Billie Dee explains that Violet is a medium, who must help Tate understand that he's dead.  Violet is understandably all, "Where's Ashton Kutcher?"  Billie Dee's all, "Who's Mary?"  Mary is Violet's dead grandma.  Damn.  Billie Dee cuts to the bone.  Violet runs out crying.

Back at the Murder House, Viv has a nightmare about the giant baby festering in her womb.  She wakes up, takes off her wedding ring, and hits the security panic button so that Ricky comes over.  You can understand the attraction.  Sure, Ricky may have a baby out of wedlock even though he's a senior at Crenshaw, but his head's on straight, and he's a good enough running back to make it out of Compton, unlike his older brother Doughboy.  Anyway, Ricky reveals that his ex-wife is a dyke.

Ben shows up.  Ricky leaves.  Viv turns stone cold.  She explains to Ben that he is only to be in the house to see patients, but that their marriage is through.

Violet is upstairs contemplating suicide.  Oopsies!

Guess who Ben's new patient is?  Fucking Cam from Modern Family!  Things must not be going well with Mitchell (who can be a bit of a curmudgeon) because Cam is terrified of urban legends – particularly Piggy Man.  Apparently, Piggy Man is a hog butcher from 1890s Chicago who had an authentic pig mask and killed his victims by butchering them and draining them over bathtubs.  If you stand in front of a mirror with the lights off and say "Here piggy piggy," he shows up and butchers you.  For free!  I do that pretty much every time I'm in front of a mirror and nothing has ever happened, other than feelings of shame.

Being the caring twat that she is, Constance brings some pig innards to Viv to help combat morning sickness.  Yeah, that should do it.  Old Moira fries that shit up for the Viv, aside from the pancreas, which of course should be eaten raw.  Doctors are always telling pregnant chicks to eat raw meats.

Meanwhile, Ben does what any well-educated psychiatrist does.  He makes Cam do the Piggy Man in the mirror in the upstairs bathroom in the Murder House.  Cam doesn't make it though the last "piggy," but sees a dead woman nonetheless.  He declares himself "broken."  Damn you, Mitchell!

Violet heads to the library where Tate killed those kids and runs into the paralyzed teacher, looking for answers.  The teacher is a little ornery.  He offers nothing but anger.

Back at the Murder House, Moira serves up something for Viv for dinner.  Raw brain.  Jesus.  Admittedly, the sight of a pregnant chick devouring an animal brain gave me a plumpy.  I also vomited profusely.  Wasn't the first time those happened simultaneously.

Violet returns home and sees Tate head into the basement, which I still think the Harmons should finish.  Down there, she runs into all of the ghosts that haunt the house.  The ginger twins.  Dr. Charles.  The nurse who was murdered.  The copycat killers who were murdered.  It's a bit more than she can handle.  So she goes up to her room and pops a bunch of anti-anxiety pills she got from that chick who bullied her in the first episode who got her face scratched by Tate in the basement.  Tate finds Violet, drags her into the bathroom, and makes her puke.  By the way, before any toddler steps foot on an airplane, he or she should be drugged and muzzled.  I'm looking your way, FAA.

Viv goes to a church to meet the ultrasound tech who fainted when giving Viv an ultrasound.  The tech informs Viv that she saw the "unclean thing" in Viv's womb.  The devil.  Great.  Add that to the list, Viv.

Ben tells Cam to man up, go home, and say the Piggy Man mantra in his bathroom mirror (why is it always in a bathroom?) so that Cam can ask out some chick from accounting and bring her back to his place to bang her without her wondering why the mirrors are covered.  Cam does this, which turns out to be a bit of a gaffe because two burglars are in the house, and one of them is hiding in the shower.  He shoots Cam in the head.  His worst nightmares came true.  Great advice, Ben.

Back at Constance's place, Billie Dee tells Constance that Addie is mad at her.  "The dead can hold a grudge better than most Scorpios."  I highly doubt that, Billie Dee.  There are kids I played with when I was three who I would slap in the mouth right now if I saw them because they didn't share.  Anyway, through Billie Dee, Constance tells Addie how much she loves her and all that shit.

As the episode ends, Tate enters Violet's bedroom.  He's all, "I love you."  They spoon, which is pretty weak for a guy who's been dead for 17 years.

We are left with the following questions:

1.  If Tate has been 15 or 16 since 1994 and hasn't aged, how the hell hasn't he realized he's dead?

2.  Will Ricky get a 700 or better on his SAT?

3.  How bad is Mitchell gonna freak when he walks into the bathroom to find Cam dead on the floor?  And where was Lily during all this?

4.  Where was Latex Man?

5.  Does Billie Dee know anything about Scorpios?

6.  Who would win in a fight, Piggy Man or Candy Man?  Both are from Chicago, with Piggy Man hailing from the Stockyards and Candy Man hailing from Cabrini Green.  Both are summoned in the bathroom.  Both have a flair for the dramatic.  Both are unable to be reasoned with.  Fuck Pacquiao/Mayweather.  This is the fight I want to see.

7.  What's with Rosemary's Baby growing at an exponential rate in Viv's uterus?  Does that mean Ben is the devil?  Why wasn't there some freaky, druggy orgy where the devil impregnated Viv while the neighbors watched?  As far as I know, that's how a devil baby is conceived.

8.  Has the AMA weighed in whether pregnant women should be eating raw pig pancreas and brain?

9.  How will Ben win Viv back?  I bet it's with a Lexus with a giant bow on it.

10.  Will Violet have the heart to tell Tate he's dead?  If so, how will he react?  Violently is my guess.

Tuesday Top Ten: Fictional Bands

I meant to post this Tuesday, but due to circumstances well within my control that I botched, it didn't happen. Also, I realize that I am now two episodes behind on American Horror Story. With Ace Frehley last Wednesday and a trip to Xanadu today, I have some catching up to do. We'll see what I can do over the next few days. But I digress.


Every now and then, you're watching a movie or TV, and there's a band in the show. They're not real, other than in your vivid, sometimes confusing dreams. I like music and I like TV and movies. I also like fake band names.


Thus, I will list my top ten favorite fictional bands from movies and TV shows. In this list, I am excluding cartoons (no Josie & The Pussycats), as well as bands that released actual albums (aside from soundtracks) or toured extensively (so The Blues Brothers, Spinal Tap, Otis Day & The Knights, The Brady Bunch, and The Partridge Family don't count). Basically, I'm trying to limit it to bands that, for the most part, only appear within the movie or TV show.


Here's my list:


Honorable Mention: Chemical Toilet (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia), The Late Term Abortions (Summer of Sam), Kathleen Turner Overdrive (High Fidelity), The Heights (The Heights), Jesse & The Rippers (Full House), Autobahn (The Big Lebowski), Scrantonicity (The Office), California Dreams (California Dreams), Eddie and the Cruisers (Eddie and the Cruisers), Marvin Berry & The Starlighters (Back to the Future), Citizen Dick (Singles), Wyld Stallyns (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (and Bogus Journey)), Loveburger (Can't Hardly Wait), Sir Smoke-a-Lot (Half Baked), the band from Empire Records


10. Hot Sundae (Saved By The Bell)
With the ferocious hit song "Go For It" (and corresponding video) and a killer cover of The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited," it's not difficult this girl group would have risen through the pop ranks, were it not for one of their member's drug problems.



9. Crucial Taunt (Wayne's World)
Much of my love for Crucial Taunt has to do with the fact that Tia Carrere is the lead singer. And her name was Cassandra. In addition to "Why You Wanna Break My Heart," they do a great version of "Ballroom Blitz."



8. The Folksmen (A Mighty Wind, SNL, Return of Spinal Tap)
Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, and Harry Shearer might be better known as bandmates in the fictional metal band Spinal Tap (which is excluded for reasons discussed above), but they also did a hell of a job on the other end of the musical spectrum as the folk group, The Folksmen, which started off as a Saturday Night Live sketch in 1982 and ended up being the centerpiece of the 2003 mockumentary A Might Wind. That was a long sentence.



7. Sexual Chocolate (Coming to America)
First of all, what an awesome band name. Second, there's something about Sexual Chocolate lead singer Randy Watson singing "Greatest Love of All" that brings a smile to my face.



6. The Wonders (or The Oneders) (That Thing You Do!)
It's not enough that Tom Hanks is a giant movie star or that he co-starred in the greatest sitcom every about two guys who dress up as chicks so that they can have a place to live, but he also writes movies and songs quite well. He not only wrote the 1996 film That Thing You Do!, but he also wrote The Wonders' Beatles-esque hit song of the same name from the movie. It's catchy as hell. I also think Jimmy treats Faye like shit, and Guy Patterson deserves her more than Jimmy.



5. CB4 (CB4)
In his first post-SNL film, Chris Rock hit a home run by playing the identity-stealing rapper MC Gusto, who sang such hits as "Sweat of My Balls" and "Straight Outta Locash."



4. Electric Dream Machine (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
This is still probably my favorite It's Always Sunny episode. Electric Dream Machine, comprised of Charlie and Dennis, bring to life Charlie's "Dayman."

Dayman - watch more funny videos

3. The Zack Attack (Saved By The Bell)
A group of friends forms a band. They are discovered by record producer Brian Fate while he happens to be running by while the band is rehearsing. They get signed and their rise to fame is meteoric, on the strength of songs like "Friends Forever" and "Did We Ever Have a Chance." Internal tensions mount, mostly focused on whether the band should wear outfits designed by the bassist or by a famous fashion designer. A smoking hot publicist tells the lead singer he should go solo. He quits the band right before a show. The band goes their separate ways. Amends are eventually made. Orgies ensue, presumably. The lead singer wakes up to realize it was all just a dream. Son. Of. A. Bitch.



2. Stillwater (Almost Famous)
With songs written primarily by Nancy Wilson and Peter Frampton, Stillwater sounded like an actual '70s rock band. "Fever Dog" is a badass song, as are their other songs, which are available on CD as part of the Bootleg Edition DVD of the movie that I got a few years ago (which I highly recommend).



1. Steel Dragon (Rock Star)
I love the movie Rock Star. For whatever reason (even though I know it's not a "good" movie per se), whenever it is on, I have to watch it. Steel Dragon, the band from the movie, is pretty damn good as well. Several Steel Dragon songs are on the soundtrack, and they are solid hard rock songs. While in the movie, the band is fronted by Chris "Izzy" Coles, played by Marky Mark (and, before him, Bobby Beers, played by Jason Flemyng), the real lead singers on the songs are Steelheart frontman Miljenko Matijevic (Coles's parts) and Talisman, Yngwie Malmsteen, and briefly Journey lead singer Jeff Scott Soto (Beers's parts). The other band members include bassist Jeff Pilson (Dokken, Foreigner), guitarist Zakk Wylde (Black Label Society and Ozzy Osbourne), and drummer Jason Bonham (Bonham), all of whom act in the movie. "Wasted Generation," "We All Die Young," and "Livin' the Life" are my three favorite Steel Dragon songs.

Best Band of Our Generation: Onto the Semis!

In the final quarterfinal match-up, 7-seed Guns N' Roses scores a minor upset, taking out Pearl Jam by a 57% to 43% margin.  We now roll into the semis, where none -- I repeat none -- of the top four seeds will be competing.  The first match-up pits Cinderella story 24-seed Mötley Crüe against 5-seed Def Leppard.  Given the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, I am going to give you guys until Sunday on this one and then a full week for the second semifinal match-up.  Godspeed.

(For details and background about the Best Band of Our Generation countdown, click here.)

Here are the results so far.  Winners are in green.

Semifinals

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981)

5.  Def Leppard (1980)

11.  Weezer (1994)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987)

Quarterfinals

1.  U2 (1980)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (56%)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (57%)

4.  Metallica (1983)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980)

11.  Weezer (1994) (72%)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (57%)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991)

Round 2

1.  U2 (1980) (57%)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (60%)

8.  Nirvana (1989)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (63%)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984)

20.  The White Stripes (1999)

4.  Metallica (1983) (83%)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (80%)

11.  Weezer (1994) (75%)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (60%)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980)

15.  Green Day (1990) 

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (100%)

Round 1

1.  U2 (1980) (60%)

32.  The Pixies (1987)

16.  Foo Fighters (1995) (75%)

17.  The Cure (1980)

9.  Red Hot Chili Peppers (1984)

24.  Mötley Crüe (1981) (80%)

8.  Nirvana (1989) (67%)

25.  The Black Crowes (1990)

5.  Def Leppard (1980) (86%)

28.  Poison (1986)

12.  Bon Jovi (1984) (100%)

21.  Depeche Mode (1981)

13.  Dave Matthews Band (1994)

20.  The White Stripes (1999) (80%)

4.  Metallica (1983) (100%)

29.  Soundgarden (1988)

3.  R.E.M. (1982)

30.  Stone Temple Pilots (1992) (60%)

14.  Huey Lewis and The News (1980) (67%)

19.  Duran Duran (1981)

11.  Weezer (1994) (80%)

22.  Rage Against the Machine (1992)

6.  Beastie Boys (1982) (80%)

27.  Nine Inch Nails (1989)

7.  Guns N' Roses (1987) (83%)

26.  Smashing Pumpkins (1991)

10.  Radiohead (1993)

23.  Iron Maiden (1980) (75%)

15.  Green Day (1990) (75%)

18.  The Pretenders (1980)

2.  Pearl Jam (1991) (80%)

31.  Oasis (1994)