"I Don't Need to Be the King of the World, as Long as I'm the Hero of this Little Girl"

Good news everyone. It's Hair Band Friday, and Candi and I made up. Turns out Candi made up the whole story about blowing Rikki in the firm library just to make me jealous. It obviously worked, but I showed her who's boss by doing a wicked marathon session of Lexis-Nexis research, and she pretty much came crawling back on her hands and knees, if you know what I mean. So today, it's a pretty sweet party going on in my office. The stripper pole is being used like it's goin' outta style, the Stoli is flowin' like it always does, and there's a mound of blow on my desk the size of small yak. To top it off, the speakers are blaring some awesome hair band tunes, the last three of which were The Scorpions' animalistic masterpiece, "The Zoo," Warrant's killer ballad, "Heaven," and the Crüe's saucy "Wild Side." It's looking like it's going to be one of those three day drug-and-sex benders that you can only dream of when you start law school.

Last night's OC was a mediocre episode (don't get me wrong, that still ranks it higher than the best episodes of all other shows ever). It was one of those episodes that sets up future storylines, kind of like the calm before the OC storm (and we all remember what happened last year when it stormed in the OC -- what some critics deemed the greatest episode in television history). Apparently McG and Josh Schwartz read GMYH because that cock-chugging queefball Dean Hess was nowhere to be seen in this episode. Frankly I needed a break from him. A viewer can only take so much cock chugging. So, here are the questions that we can only hope will be answered in the next few episodes:
1. Will Seth actually do Taylor Townsend? If so, will it involve some sort of weird trust game?
2. Will Johnny please get a haircut?
3. Why did Casey (Johnny's girlfriend whose teeth could bite through bone in a quarter-second) do Volchok (that scumbag surfer who is apparently originally from the Eastern Bloc) knowing that Johnny was in the next room? Or maybe the better question is why did Volchok do Casey (aside from Volchok's theory that it obviously made them "even" for when Johnny beat out Volchok for a surfing sponsorship)? Doesn't Volchok know that one errant head jerk during a BJ from Casey and he's Bobbittized? No man wants to bleed to death from their penis, which leads me to my next question:
4. Is Volchok really a man? They did some shady shit with hormones in those Eastern Bloc countries before the fall of communism. Just keep it in the back of your mind, and remember, boys don't cry.
5. Will Volchok give up surfing to star in the much-needed sequal to Cool As Ice? His picture to the right says "drop that zero and get with the sequal."
6. Will Casey ever get the periodontal work that she so desperately needs? She lives in Newport for shit's sake. We know she can afford it.
7. When Dean Hess does come back, just how many cocks per episode will he chug? My guess is 86.
8. Will Marissa eat something? A raisin? A baby carrot? An unsalted peanut? Anything?
9. During the impending fight between Ryan and Volchok, how many blows will it take for Ryan to concave Volchok's skull? My guess is one, if it isn't already concaved out of the sheer fear of Ryan Atwood raising his fist.
10. Now that Johnny has admitted that he nearly beat his dad to death with a baseball bat, how soon will it be before Ryan and Johnny square off in the octagon in a blind-rage battle to the death for Marissa? In a related question, who will Marissa choose to shoot this time?
11. Since Julie Cooper-Nichol now knows that "Charlotte" is short for "Charlatan," will Julie actually go along with Charlotte's plan to bilk hundreds of thousands of dollars from Newport's wealthy residents by holding a charity gala to benefit a fake charity? If so, how soon before these two new roomies get completely soused and make their own girl-on-girl skin flick? That's where the real money is.
12. How long will it take for Ryan to realize that he must follow his dream of being a longshoreman or a stevedore?

Tonight, Jesterio and I are heading to Indy to go to the wedding of Andy "Spawn" Southard. I'm sure it will be a good time, and for all you Pi Kapps out there not going, I'll be sure to report back on who was in attendance (rumor has it that the elusive Garrett "GMC" McNally will be there). An interesting stat to think about while you're buttering your bagel is that over 50% of the Sigma class has tied the knot since 2000 (at least 13 of 23), with no break-ups as of yet. Why, you ask? The answer is simple: The Sigma class purposely refused to lavaliere anyone (there were a couple exceptions, but those lavalieres took place after the people were engaged, so they don't count). We recognized the historical trend that a lavaliere was indeed the kiss of death, and we made it our mission to break the curse for those after us by boycotting the lavaliere. (For those who don't know what a lavaliere is, it's when a frat guy gives his best gal a necklace with his fraternity pin--basically an "engaged to be engaged" type of thing.)

As further proof that the Sigma class was the greatest class in the history of fraternities, here's a look at some of the non-Sigma lavalieres that occurred between the fall of 1996 and the spring of 2000 (i.e., the Reign of the Sigma):
-Matt "Boom Boom" Baker (chick's name unknown) - Soon after lavaliering his girlfriend of several years, they broke up. He ended up suing her because she refused to give him his computer back. Granted, he looked like he was 43, but that's no reason to keep his computer.
-Todd "Govy Gov" Gard (Shannon) - I'm pretty sure Gov lavaliered Shannon (whose nickname escapes me -- Wee Wee, give me some help here). They dated for most of college. I think she was from Alaska (but not an Aleut or Inuit), which should have tipped Gov off in the first place that she wasn't to be trusted. As a pleasant epilogue, Gov married a thinner, more attractive, cooler girl a couple years later, so the curse was a blessing in disguise in this case.
-Brent "Canadian" Landry (Cheryl) - Lando, in addition to being an All-Big Ten golfer, was the campus sex expert (not to be confused with Indiana Daily Student columnist "The Sexpert"). That's neither here nor there -- just a shout-out to Landry. Anyway, he and Cheryl went out for a couple years and occasionally banged in one of the second-floor bathroom shower stalls at the fraternity. But the shower banging stopped soon after the lavaliere, when they both realized that their relationship was based only on shower banging. As a pleasant epilogue, Landry also married a thinner, more attractive, cooler girl a couple years later, so the curse was a blessing in disguise in this case.
-Stu "One of the Meatheds" Neiswonger (Anne) - I'm not positive that Stu lavaliered Anne, but given what happened, I can only assume so. This one looked like it was going to work out. As undergrads, they had wild monkey sex in the cold dorm (on top bunks, no less). They got married, shat out a couple kids, and were seemingly the All-American couple. Until Stu found out that Anne was fucking one of his co-workers while Stu was out doing his job (sales) to provide for the family.
-Jason "I Can't Remember His Nickname" Pinter (Nicole) - Jason and Nicole had been dating for six years before he lavaliered her as a senior. She was a cold dorm regular and a fan favorite: a nice, good-looking girl going out with a smart, all-around nice guy. It turns out she was a total queef, as mere weeks later, she broke up with him because she wanted to "spread her wings," which is girl code for "get railed by other dudes in bar bathrooms."
-Chip "Chip is Actually the Nickname" Roeder (chick's name unknown) - There was a girl from his hometown in 'Sconsin he dated from high school up until some point in his senior year after he lavaliered her. I'm not sure who did the breaking, but I know Chip soon after started dating a Chi-O. So when you weigh a possible hot chick 6 hours away versus a definite hot chick 6 houses away, I guess this was really a victory in the end.
-Todd "Rak Daddy" Shirak (chick's name unknown) - Rak dated this girl for a couple years. In addition to being tall and blonde, she did his laundry for him, that is, until after the lavaliere when she realized she could do other dudes' laundry just as well, if not better.
-Chris "Don't Call Me During Yankees World Series Games" Sytsma (Laura) - They dated almost entirely through college. Chris lavaliered her, and bam, they break up. He has gone on to be a successful financial consultant. I can only assume that she has gone on to be a successful creative consultant for the WB's who-sucked-the-devil's-dick-to-keep-this-on-the-air show, Reba.
-Rick "Beware Kentucky Fans" Ternet (chick's name unknown) - This one may have actually started the curse. I think it was the first lavaliere I went to. They had dated all through college, he lavaliered her when he was a junior (and I was a freshman), and by the time they graduated a year later, she was suckin' other dudes' dicks for rock.
-Shawn "Shswalke" Walker (Bulimia) - Shawn and Bulimia dated in high school and through most of college. He lavaliered her and they got married before graduating (always a fucking brilliant idea). He knew her long before she became famous for eating more food at the house than any of the guys and then disappearing to the ladies' room in the basement with a spoon. For Christ's sake, you could shatter her femur by throwing a cotton ball at it. I saw Shawn several years later at a bar in Melrose Park, where I learned he and Bulimia got divorced after less than two years of marriage. It was just too hard for him to take care of her after she became paralyzed when the water from the shower crushed every bone in her body.
-Brian "Bonzi or Donzi" Wells (Sarah J) - I guess this post-lavaliere break-up was to be expected when Bonzi was the third Pi Kapp in less than a year that Sarah "dated." What's funny and sad at the same time is that, unbeknownst to Bonzi, he was not the only boyfriend she had on campus.

Have a good weekend everyone, and for the love of God, be nice to each other.