GMYH's 2005 Year in Review

As 2005 draws to a close, we here at GMYH have taken some time to reflect on the events of the last year. The ups, the downs, the geniuses, the ass clowns. So, without further ado, here are the GMYH Year-End Awards for 2005 (note: any albums or movies are only ones that I own or saw):

Best Album: Get Behind Me Satan by The White Stripes. Another masterpiece from the best rock & roll band in the world. It's certainly the most eclectic of their albums, but it works really well. With songs borrowing from the Beatles, Motown, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, Queen, soul, the blues, C&W, bluegrass, and calypso, Get Behind Me Satan has foot-stompers, heartbreakers, and catchy pop songs. There is more piano and less guitar in this album than in past albums. Jack White's songwriting is as colorful and imaginative as it's ever been. After this album, there should be no doubt that Jack can successfully write any kind of song he wants: ball-busting rock, hook-laden pop songs, ballads, blues, bluegrass, Lady-Madonna-esque soulful rock, and toungue-in-cheek fun songs. Runner-Up: The Best Little Secrets Are Kept by Louis XIV. Louis XIV is not as well known as they should be, but this album is fantastic. It's harkens back to the days of early-'70s Bowie, the Kinks, T. Rex, and Mott the Hoople. The music is raunchy and sexual, earning a Parental Advisory sticker even though there is not one swear word to be found on the entire album. Get it. Now.

Best Movie: Wedding Crashers. Since I hate crying, I'm pretty sure that I only saw comedies this year. And by far, the best one was Wedding Crashers. With a cast of Christopher Walken, Vince Vaughan, Owen Wilson, and Will Ferrell, how can you go wrong? Runner-Up: The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Steve Carell is hilarious. So is the movie. Watch it. Love it.

Best New TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. For those of you who didn't see the 7 episodes of the show's debut season on F/X, be sure to tune in during 2006 for the second season. From trying to pick up women at an abortion rally to purposely serving minors at their bar and then getting invited to the prom, it's all hilarious. Runner-Up: Reunion. Sure, the acting is piss-poor and the costume designer apparently didn't realize that people didn't wear in 1987 what people wear in 2005, but it's still a pretty cool idea for a show. Every episode is a new year, starting in 1986 and building up to 2005, when the identity of a murderer is revealed. Too bad we'll never know how it ends.

Best Sports Story: The White Sox win the World Series. Finally Sox fans were able to feel like their team was the talk of the town. At least for a couple days. Runner-Up: Lance Armstrong wins his 7th Tour de France in a row, then bangs Sheryl Crow, probably doggy-style.

Worst Development: Fecal phantoms. Disturbing, rude, unreasonably expeditious, smelly, and downright filthy. All of these words describe the fecal phantoms that have infiltrated the fair men's bathrooms at my firm. For those of you who do not know what a fecal phantom is, the following four links should get you up to speed: 1, 2, 3, 4. Hopefully 2006 will usher in a new era of shits that last more than 45 seconds and wiping that lasts longer than 5 seconds. Runner-Up: Fox canceling Arrested Development and Reunion. The geniuses at Fox decided that it's a good idea to start their new shows 2 weeks before the MLB playoffs. This means that Fox does not air any new episodes for an entire month while the playoffs are going on. In turn, people forget about the shows that are not staples. Arrested Development is one of the funniest shows on TV. It should never have been canceled, and there's no reason another network shouldn't pick it up and run with it. Canceling Reunion now is like canceling 24 after 3pm. The whole premise of the show is that it's only going to last one season. For the few people that are watching it, for shit's sake, leave it on and take a loss.

Dumbest Fashion Trend: Wearing sport coats with jeans. Nothing evokes my will to stab a throat more than when I see some douchebag at a bar with a sport coat and jeans. It's not 19 fucking 88. You're not a young, hip executive trying to show "the man" that his stuffy suits don't mean he's better than you. You're a piece-of-shit, just-out-of-college worker bee who listens to Coldplay while driving the BMW daddy bought you because he was so proud you eeked your way out of Marquette in 4 1/2 years with a 2.6. I hate you and pray that you're sterile. Runner-Up: Those stupid-ass furry boots that females wear. They look like moon boots, which are only appropriate for Napoleon Dynamite to wear. No mom should allow her daughter to go out in public with pieces of Chewbacca's shit on her feet.

Best Public Humilation: The chorus of boos following Ashlee Simpson's awful performance at halftime of the Orange Bowl. She sounded like a cat being simultaneously raped and murdered. Man I hate that bitch, her recessive genes, and her jaw of steel. Runner-Up: Ashlee Simpson's SNL debacle. I know it happened in 2004, but man I hate that bitch. How she and Jessica came from the same parents is something I hope will be explained in 2006. And in a perfect world, said explanation would come only after Ashlee's death.

Best Day: June 11. I got married. Nuff said. Runner-Up: October 26. Sox win the World Series for the first time since 1917. Holla.

Here are some others:
Most Disappointing Movie: War of the Worlds. So the aliens were allergic to birds? That's it? Birds?
Best Character Actor Who Died: Vincent Schiavelli. I'll never forget they way he called on Lane Meyer in math class in Better Off Dead.
Ugliest Brain-Dead Chick: Terr--no, no, even I can't go that far. Actually, I can, but I've been told I'll be divorced if I do.
New TV Show That Should Already Be Canceled But Isn't: Stacked. Hey look, it's Pam Anderson wearing skimpy clothes and making tired jokes about how she's a moron with big boobs.
Most Badass Hurricane: Katrina. Man, that bitch was shrewd.
Most Shocking Military Surrender: Russia surrenders to Japan at Port Arthur, China (aka Lushun and Ryojun) during the Russo-Japanese War. Oh wait, my bad. That was 1905.
Best Funeral: Hunter S. Thompson.
Best $25,000 Pyramid Player Who Died: Nipsey Russell. That guy was a guaranteed 7 points every round. And God help us all if you got him in the final round--that $25,000 was as good as yours.
Best Celebrity Break-Up: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. No pre-nup = Nick is a genius.
Hottest Royal Wedding: Princess Margaret of Connaught marries Gustav, Crown Prince of Sweden. Damn, again, sorry. That was 1905.