"Don't Sing Your Last Lullaby"

It's Friday, which means that it's Hair Band Friday in my office. Currently pumping through my speakers are the melodies of a decadent era that is gone, but not forgotten. The last three songs were "Alone Again" by Dokken, "Don't Close Your Eyes" by Kix, and "You Got Another Thing Comin'" by Judas Priest, all classics. It's been a little slow here at the office. No motions or memos to write, no discovery requests to respond to, no research to do. But that hasn't stopped the groupies at all. This chick named Sindee is currently flashing her vuvla around here like it's her job (which it may very well be). And I'll be damned if earlier I didn't have to step in and tame that lioness. Luckily I've had enough Liquid G that I lost the ability to care whether she's disease-free or not. No worries, though. It's just part of the business.

Last night's The OC was fan-fucking-tastic. Forget the fact that Seth is still smoking weed and that Summer figured it out after Seth gave "Save the Last Dance" rave reviews. Forget that Julie Cooper-Nichol and Dr. Roberts are well on their way to taking the skin boat to tuna town. Forget that Kaitlin talks like a fucking moron. The last 5 minutes of the episode trumped all of that.

What will be forever remembered from this episode is the fact that Johnny (yes, surfer Johnny with the worst hair in the history of the world) may be dead. Using the same reasoning skills that allow him to steer clear of the barber shop, Johnny took Kaitlin and a bottle of tequila to the beach in the middle of the night for a bonfire. Rather than get hammered and fuck the shit out of Kaitlin on the beach (which he probably could have done if he wasn't such a Marissa-crazed douchebag), Johnny decides to get hammered and climb what appears to be a 30-40 foot cliff. With the bottle of tequila in his hand, no less.

So Kaitlin's freaking out because her pristine, unconquered body is getting passed over for some rocks. Not only that, but that asshole took the tequila. She calls Marissa, who had recently passed up the chance to eat in favor of some knee spreading for Ryan (thanks to Casey "Hold the" Mayo for the knee-spreading comment last night). Being the gentleman that he is, Ryan takes Marissa and heads over to the beach.

When they arrive at the beach, Marissa heads down to comfort Kaitlin, while Ryan does what Johnny should have done in the first place: get to the top using the clean, well-maintained path on the side of the cliff. So Ryan gets up there, and Johnny's all "you're the last person I want to see" and Ryan's all "just be careful man" and Johnny's all "yeah right, just so you can save me at the last minute in front of Marissa." (He's got a point there. Since Johnny already looks like a total asswipe, the last thing he needs is for the boyfriend of the girl he loves rescuing him from danger right in front of her and her saucy little sister who he didn't bang.) Then Johnny stumbles a little bit. Ryan races to the edge to grab him before he falls. But alas, Ryan was too late. All we hear is the sound of the bottle breaking, and then it was the end of the episode.

So we never saw Johnny's body at the bottom of the cliff, which leaves us with the following questions:

1. For the love of God, is Johnny please dead?
2. Did Johnny's hideous mop of hair form a parachute (or what I would call a hairachute), allowing him to float harmlessly to the sand below?
3. If Johnny didn't die, but suffered some sort of blunt head trauma, will the doctors please be forced to shave his head?
4. Is it medically possible that by falling onto his knee, Johnny somehow completely knocked his previously injured ligaments into healthy status, thereby allowing him a spot on the Pac West surf tour (meaning that he would have to leave the show)?
5. If he's dead, aside from his mom and Chili, will anyone truly be saddened by his death? (The answer to that is probably "no," since everyone would be better off. Including you and me.)
6. Have McG and Josh Schwartz been reading this blog and therefore purposely putting Marissa in near-eating situations every episode solely for the purpose of pissing me off? If so, well done guys.

And in case everyone didn't know before watching The OC last night, there is a movie called When a Stranger Calls coming out today. Holy shit Screen Gems, is it really necessary to run 2 commercials for the movie during each commercial break?