One tell-tale sign that your life has taken a horribly wrong turn is when you find yourself drinking a child's urine to fulfill spiritual needs. A Columbus man by the name of Alan Patton (no relation to General) was arrested after staring at a little boy's wee wee in a movie theater bathroom. It turns out (and Patton admitted) that he likes to drink the urine of young boys. And it's not just a passing fancy. He's been doing it for over 40 fucking years and he has an elaborate system in place to collect said prepubescent urine. My favorite part of the story was Patton's reasoning behind it: "I like it because it makes me closer to them -- like I'm drinking their youth." It makes you closer to them? Drinking their youth? Why couldn't he have just done what normal people do, like drill a small hole in their head to insert diluted hydrochloric acid in order to make them sexually submissive zombies? This Patton guy obviously doesn't have the balls that Dahmer had himself or kept in the freezer. What a coward.
But there is a silver lining to this golden cloud: it's pretty safe to assume that Patton is going to get raped and murdered in jail, not necessarily in that order.
Kudos to Ryan "Pissed Off" Christoff for sending me the link to this one, as well as Tradd "The Video Artist" Fromme for sending Ryan the link.
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