US Curling Update - 2/14/06

Today was an up-and-down day for the US Curling family. Still stunned from their 4-3 loss yesterday to the Fins, led by indescribable and unpronouncable skip, Markku Uusipaavalniemi, the US Men's team turned confusion into bloodshed and unleashed a 10-4 thrashing on New Zealand. The Kiwis were so distraught that they conceded the match after the 8th end. The win brought the US Men to 2-1, sitting alone in 3rd place for the moment, behind only Great Britain (2-0) and Sweden (3-0). Up next for the men is a hapless Italian team (1-2) tomorrow at 7pm TT (1pm EST), followed by a huge match against the aforementioned Swedes on Thursday at 2pm TT (8am EST). US skip Pete Fenson has the US Men playing like men possessed, and the rest of the curling community is beginning to take notice. Soon, so will the world.

The US Women, on the other hand, dropped to 0-2 after a demoralizing defeat at the hands of their funnier, yet less attractive and less fashion-conscious, neighbors to the north, Canada. The 11-5 defeat left the US Women with a bad taste in their mouth, but it was a taste that could be sweetened by the tangy and efficient flesh of the Japanese team. In their evening match, the US Women fought nearly to the death with Japan, before falling in extra ends by a final score of 6-5. The loss left the ladies at 0-3--down, but not out, as their upcoming matches give them a chance to beat teams currently ahead of them in the standings. Let's take a look at the ladies' remaining schedule, which includes 6 games in the Round Robin, of which they will probably have to win at least 5 if they have any hope of securing a spot in the semifinals:

1. Denmark (1-1) - 2/15, 2pm TT (8am EST). The Danish team is a stinky and brutish bunch with about as much class as a Copenhagen streetwalker. The US women cannot be intimidated by the Danes' patented Jutland Toss, meant to destroy all stones in its path.
2. Sweden (1-1) - 2/16, 7pm TT (1pm EST). The Swedes, dainty and haughty, cannot be taken lightly, although they are very beatable.
3. Russia (1-1) - 2/17, 2pm TT (8am EST). Hulking and maniacal, the Russian team is a throwback to the genetically engineered Soviet teams that scared the shit out of competitors in Olympics past.
4. Italy (0-2) - 2/18, 7pm TT (1pm EST). The Italians just plain suck. Essentially, they only got in because they are the host country. While the home crowd should be at frenzied levels, this should be an easy victory.
5. Switzerland (2-1) - 2/19, 2pm TT (8am EST). The Swiss team is off to a good start, but they generally end up in the middle somewhere. Generally emotionless and careful not to rock the boat one way or another, these Swiss misses try to lull the competition into a false sense of security.
6. Great Britain (2-0) - 2/20, 7pm TT (1pm EST). In a scenario that was likely dreamed up as part of a delighftully naughty gentlemen's wager by the half-drunk ghosts of King George III and George Washington, the US and British women will battle it out in what will hopefully be a Saratoga-style ass kicking. Fucking lobsterbacks.