Top Thirty Facts About Ryan Atwood

With the popularity of sites that tout the top 30 (or 100) facts about Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Vin Diesel, GMYH reader Ryan "Pissed Off" Christoff suggested that there needed to be a Top 30 facts about Ryan Atwood, The OC's beloved tough guy with a heart of gold.

1. Ryan Atwood's shit cures terrorism. Too bad he has never shit.
2. Ryan Atwood beats up more surfers when he's sleeping than the rest of the world does awake.
3. One time Ryan Atwood cried. New Orleans still hasn't fully recovered.
4. Ryan Atwood's semen provides 100% of the vitamins and minerals necessary to maintain a healthy diet. This is why it is not necessary for Marissa Cooper to be shown eating on screen.
5. If Ryan Atwood were to punch your mom in the uterus right now, you would cease to exist.
6. Ryan Atwood chokes pythons.
7. If you were to Google "baddest motherfucker in the history of the world," the only result would be a picture of Ryan Atwood pointing at you. Your computer would then beat you into a coma.
8. It's no coincidence that you will never see Jesus and Ryan Atwood in the same place at the same time. Not because they're the same person. Jesus is just fucking scared of Ryan Atwood.
9. If you were to gather Ryan Atwood's sweat, boil it with baking soda, dry the resulting product, and crush the product into a fine powder, you would have a drug over 300 times as addictive as crack cocaine. The irony, of course, is that you would die from self-inflicted punch wounds to the head and neck mere seconds after the first time you ingested said powder. Luckily for you, Ryan Atwood never sweats.
10. It's impossible for Ryan Atwood to have any enemies because anyone who has ever attempted to cross Ryan Atwood has later died mysteriously from face-punching related injuries.
11. One time in 1945 Ryan Atwood used an alias: The Enola Gay.
12. Ryan Atwood invented the word "anachronism." In 1532.
13. The Grand Canyon is what happened when Ryan Atwood pissed on Arizona.
14. Ryan Atwood is a humble man, which explains why Kiss changed the name of the song from "Ryan Atwood Gave Rock & Roll to You."
15. When Ryan Atwood goes to college, he will major in Ass Kicking and minor in Brooding. Upon enrollment, he will already have enough credits to graduate.
16. If Ryan Atwood were to masturbate, every woman in the world would have an orgasm. Luckily, he never has to masturbate because there is not one minute during the day when he is not having sex with a totally hot chick.
17. When Ryan Atwood was born, France surrendered.
18. One time Ryan Atwood got drunk, and had sex with a Swedish chick. Nine months later the song "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base was released.
19. If Ryan Atwood grew a mustache, humanity would soon perish because every man in the world would turn gay.
20. You cannot kill Ryan Atwood. You can only make him brood.
21. Ryan Atwood got sick of the sun always being in his eyes, so he punched the ground. Hence, trees.
22. If Ryan Atwood were to look at himself in the mirror, he would turn to stone. Good thing he's a vampire.
23. Ryan Atwood invented the question mark.
24. If you see Ryan Atwood's fist, it's too late.
25. Ryan Atwood's sperm is so potent that any child conceived by him refuses to be birthed by conventional methods, but rather will punch through the mother's stomach when it feels it's ready to kick someone's ass. Luckily Marissa Cooper is barren.
26. Ryan Atwood was not born. He was made by Zeus from reinforced titanium, the remains of dead boxers' fists, and all non-heel parts of Achilles.
27. David Copperfield never made the Statue of Liberty disappear. He just hired Ryan Atwood to tear it down and then build it back up a few minutes later.
28. Ryan Atwood's saliva contains enough poison to kill a herd of elephants in a matter of seconds. Or he could just punch them and finish the job even more quickly.
29. In 2001, Chuck Norris tried to roundhouse kick Ryan Atwood, breaking both feet in the process. The next day "Walker, Texas Ranger" was canceled for undisclosed reasons.
30. Ryan Atwood doesn't want to punch you, but he just can't help it.

Please feel free to submit your own Ryan Atwood facts.