Midwestern Eavesdropping - 9/7/06

Nice job this week. Here you go:

Drunk guy looking to pick up hostess: "I really like your lips. They look fantastic in that color."
Hostess: "Um, thanks."
(Drunk guy proceeds to get drunker)
DG to Hostess: "Hey girl."
DG's friend who wants to leave: "She is not interested."
DG: "Let me try this one on you. If you were a booger, I'd pick you first."
Hostess: "Time for you to leave."
--Chicago, John Barleycorn, 2142 N. Clybourn
Eavesdropper: ½ Pint

Two retarded southern Illinois boys/farmers (both wearing Kenny Chesney t-shirts) having a yo' momma competition:
Retard 1: "Your momma wears tampons so that the crabs can bungie jump"
Retard 2: "Your momma's pussy is so nasty they make people eat it on fear factor."
--Charleston, Illinois, a supposedly classy winery
Eavesdropper: Slange

Twentysomething female special-ed teacher to a group of friends at a BBQ: "I barfed up a gyro once 'cause it touched my hanging ball."
--Chicago, BBQ, Damen & Cornelia
Eavesdropper: GMYH

A guy meeting a friend of a friend for the first time:
Guy: "How do you know Darin?"
Girl: "He's been fucking my roommate for months."
--Chicago, SportsCorner, Sheffield & Addison
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Older lady (to young lady washing hands in movie theater ladies room): "Are you preparing for surgery?"
Young lady: "Um, no."
Older lady: "I do the same thing when I wash my hands." (then older lady walks away without washing her hands)
--Schaumburg, Illinois, Loews Theater
Eavesdropper: ½ Pint

Twentysomething male referring to the "picanha" cut of beef at Fogo de Chao: "Of course it's their most popular cut. It's probably made from Jesus's cum."
--Chicago, Fogo de Chao
Eavesdropper: RDC

Nightclub manager to hostess (in a feeble attempt to hit on her): "My penis has a story to tell you. It all began in 1977 . . ."
(time passes - same nightclub manager to hostess)
"I was so busy hitting on you that I forgot to ask you out."
--Chicago, Funky Buddha Lounge, 728 W. Grand
Eavesdropper: ½ Pint

Twentysomething male: "I was making fun of a guy because he was wearing a Joe Theismann Notre Dame jersey."
Twentysomething female special-ed teacher: "Who's Joe Theismann?"
Male: "He only suffered one of the sweetest career-ending injuries in NFL history."
Thirtysomething female (with an air of confidence): "And he has that award named after him, the Theismann Trophy."
Male: "No, that's the Heisman Trophy."
--Chicago, BBQ, Damen & Cornelia
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Twentysomething girl who talked like a Valley girl (Valley sucks, by the way) even though she was from the suburbs, talking loudly on her cell phone: "What are you eating? . . . So, I'm confuuused. You made mashed potatoes? . . . Wow. You guys are, like, chefs."
--Chicago, Brown Line train
Eavesdropper: Jesterio

Cab pulls up in front of bar. An older man steps out of the cab with a gash on his forehead where blood has been oozing out. The man looks and stares at the two people working the door at the bar.
Bouncer: "Are you all right?"
Older man just stares. As the cab pulls away, he kicks the back of it. He walks across the street and almost gets run over by oncoming traffic. When he finally reaches the other side of the street, he kicks the fire hydrant on the corner. He then stands upright and continues to walk home.
Hostess: "Um, was that guy bleeding?"
Bouncer: "Yes, he's one of our regulars."
--Chicago, John Barleycorn, 2142 N. Clybourn
Eavesdropper: ½ Pint

Twentysomething male mentions that he worked in southern Illinois for a summer
Twentysomething female special-ed teacher who is from central Illinois: "Where in southern Illinois did you work?"
Male: "Mt. Vernon."
Special-ed teacher (dead serious, not being ironic whatsover): "Mt. Vernon? Isn't that where George Washington lived?"
--Chicago, BBQ, Damen & Cornelia
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Shitcanned 36 year-old bridesmaid (in terribly slurred speech) to the female bartender at a wedding reception:
Bridesmaid: "Why are you cutting me off?"
Bartender: "I don't know. Maybe the two martini glasses you dropped on the dance floor. Or the fact that you can't walk straight."
Bridesmaid: "Why do you have to be such a fucking whore?"
--Minneapolis, very nice reception hall
Eavesdropper: Gregerson

Ambiguously gay man: "She told me she doesn't do drugs, she only does ecstasy. Hello, does that not count?"
--Chicago, BBQ
Eavesdropper: ½ Pint

Young Asian boy (excited): "So I can buy a movie now?!"
Mother: "No"
Boy (almost relieved): "Oh good, 'cause I didn't want to buy a movie."
--Chicago, Marshall's, Halsted & Clark
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Thanks for all the submissions. I asked for you to keep those ears open over the long weekend, and you sure as hell did. Keep up the good work, and email those submissions to gmyhblog@yahoo.com when you hear them.

On another note, there will be no Hair Band Friday tomorrow, as I will be out of the office, driving to Louisville for a wedding.

AL Central
1. Detroit 85-55 -- (22)
2. Minnesota 80-58 4.0 (24)
3. White Sox 80-59 4.5 (23)

AL Wild Card
1. Minnesota 80-58 -- (24)
2. White Sox 80-59 0.5 (23)

NL Wild Card
1. San Diego 73-66 -- (23)
2. Philly 70-69 3.0 (23)
2. Florida 70-69 3.0 (23)
4. San Fran 70-70 3.5 (22)
5. Cincinnati 69-71 4.5 (22)
6. Astros 68-71 5.0 (23)