"We Did Everything Together"

Groupie Appreciation Day here at Hair Band Friday. In honor of the women who make working in a law firm so glamorous, I've been playing songs that celebrate them. For instance, the last three songs coming from my speakers at obscene levels were "Everybody Loves Eileen" by Steelheart, "Fly High Michelle" by Enuff Z'Nuff, and "Kissin' Kitty" by The Bullet Boys. Because we don't put up with irony here at the office during Hair Band Friday, Michelle is flyin' high on mescaline. She was completely transfixed with the Lexis-Nexis research I was doing, and she kept telling me how hot she was for me. However, on account of the mescaline, she thought I was a talking Shetland Pony named Carmine who was eating reams of paper off the floor. The fucked up thing is that that only made her want me more. That girl knows how to party. Interestingly, it's not the first time I've been asked to neigh while banging a chick doggy style (or I guess it would be horsey style in this case). As if couldn't get any better, Eileen has been giving everyone BJs, and it wasn't even because we rocked some letters to clients or deposition outlines. Well, I have to go make out with Kitty now, and if things go well I'll be kissin' Kitty's kitty, if you know what I mean. If not, Kitty always brings her cat. If she asks you to kiss her cat, then it means she wants you to cunniling her. Pretty standard.

Speaking of cats, check out this animated video set to Motorhead's "Ace of Spades," sent to me by Dan "Lemmy" Edelstein, who you might know as Dan from the dog park or the guy who sand "Ace of Spades" last Saturday at live band karaoke.

Well, my 10-year high school reunion is one day away, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. None of the guys I hang out with are going (thanks guys), which means that it has the distinct possibility of being very awkward. So far there is no one from my class who has become famous. By the 15-year reunion, I hope to change that, whether my claim to fame is blogging, logging, being a contestant on Deal or No Deal, hip hop dancing, singing karaoke, or strangling K-Fed to death on the red carpet. In all honesty, I think the last one might be best for society because the world would be a better place without Kevin Federline. There is not one person -- not one -- who benefits from having K-Fed alive. I know what you're thinking: "GMYH, surely there is one person who benefits from having that talentless asshole alive." I appreciate your kindheartedness, but you're wrong. Let's analyze the possible people who could theoretically benefit from K-Fed's continued ability to breathe:

• Britney - Right off the bat, I think it's pretty obvious that K-Fed is simply mooching off of Britney. For shit's sake, she had to take away his car on at least one occasion (probably to prevent him from driving to the recording studio). Britney would be better off with someone more responsible, self-supporting, and respectable, like a Carson Daly, John Mayer, Jude Law, Pete Doherty, or William Kennedy Smith.
• Sean Preston - Sure, K-Fed is Sean Preston's father, but maybe this image will convince you: K-Fed, with a Newport hanging out of his mouth and a Busch Light in his hand, head bobbing to the unintelligible music and beats running through his head, trying unsuccessfully to change Sean Preston's diaper, but just getting shit all over the place. Then he yells out in desperation, "Britney, yo! SP just popozao'd, and I'm straight-up drizunk. Look at my stubble. I look like a modern-day Barney Rubble. Awww shit, that's a wack lyric! Baby, write that shit down. That's fire, right there. And while you're at it, bring be another brew-haha. What the fuck?! Whose baby is this? He looks like a little penguin or a ninja. I'm gonna stand on your feet and put my nunchucks all up in ya. And when I pull it out, you'll wish you had gout, 'cause K-Fed's moves gonna make you shout. Damn! Britney, are you writing this down?" Meanwhile, Britney is quietly overdosing in the next room, thus leaving Sean Preston motherless. Is that what you want?
• Any of K-Fed's other 12-30 kids - It's probably better that they never knew he existed than grow up knowing that they share DNA with him.

So there it is. Next reunion, people are going to be coming up to me and saying, "Hey, aren't you the dude who killed K-Fed?" And I'll be all, "Yeah." And then he/she would be all, "That was pretty fucking sweet. You're a hero, you know that, right?" And I'll be all, "No I'm not. A hero is someone who does something extraordinary. What I did was exactly what anyone else would have done in that situation. I simply saw a talentless leech walking down the red carpet, and I ran up behind him and choked the life out of him with a telephone cord. I'm no more a hero than the man who swats a fly that has landed on his kitchen table or the woman who kills a mosquito that landed on her arm." And then, if it's a dude, he'll be all, "Can I buy you a drink?" And I'll be all, "No no, let me buy you a drink." And then I actually will be a hero. But if it's a chick, she'll be all, "I've never been more attracted to a man in my life. Let's get out of here so that we might engage in sexual intercourse." And I'll be all, "Uh, your husband is standing right next to you." And then I'd rip my shirt off, Superman style, give it to her, and then turn around and walk out of the room to a standing ovation. If you're curious -- and I know you are -- by that time I will be totally ripped and across my back will be a very detailed tattoo of me strangling K-Fed. And I'll probably have a tan.