I'm not usually a smack talker when it comes to sports teams, aside from the Cubs (1908), Notre Dame football (always overrated), Illinois basketball (wannabes), Ohio State football (paid professionals), and all things Purdue (emit a foul stench). Usually any smack talking with regard to those teams is brought upon by their fans talking smack to me. Hence, it's legit.
Nonetheless, various recent events have prompted me, not so much to talk smack about, but more to make fun of, the Chicago Cubs of football, the Detroit Lions. It's bad enough that the Lions haven't won an NFL championship since the Eisenhower Administration. Now they have to deal with an assistant coach who is the inspiration behind such headlines as "Nude Stop at Drive-Thru Earns Coach Suspension" (thanks to RobD for the link).
Apparently former IU defensive coordinator Joe Cullen (who I thoroughly enjoyed watching/hearing when he was an assistant at IU -- go Hoosiers), who is now the Lions' defensive line coach is having a bad couple weeks. Aside from a 9/1 DUI arrest, it seems that on 8/24, Cullen got a hankerin' for a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger while he was mid-coitus (that's the only reasonable explanation I can come up with), and then decided to hop in the car and head to a Dearborn, MI Wendy's without putting his clothes on because he was in such a hunger-induced frenzy that he just plum forgot. Interestingly, when the cops pulled him over, he had clothes in the car.
According to another article, Cullen released an apology last week:
"I would like to apologize to the Detroit Lions organization, our fans, my family and friends for any embarrassment these incidents have caused. These incidents represent a mistake in judgment on my part. I deeply regret them and have learned a valuable lesson. It won't happen again."
Mistake in judgment? You sure Joe? What "valuable lesson" could he have possibly learned from all this? When a hooker says she wants a Frosty, make sure you put some pants on first? And just in case you haven't drawn enough attention to yourself by hitting the drive-thru completely naked, you shouldn't go drinkin' and drivin' a week later? It's these kinds of personnel decisions that have given Matt Millen the reputation as the best team president in the NFL.
So, it gets better for the Lions. They lost a heartbreaker at home to Seattle on Sunday, 9-6, thanks to a last-second field goal by the Seahawks. Next up for the Lions is a trip to Soldier Field this Sunday to battle the Bears. It should be noted that the Bears beat the Lions 38-6 last year at Soldier Field, that the Bears shut out Green Bay (shitty as they are) at Lambeau this past Sunday, and that the Bears are 8.5 point favorites as the spread currently stands.
Lions wide receiver and University of North Carolina head basketball coach Roy Williams guaranteed that the Lions will beat the Bears this Sunday in Chicago. Guarantees in sports are nothing new, but some of things Williams said can be classified only as ridiculous.
Let's take a look at some of his quotes:
"When we play the way we're supposed to play, like our defense played the way they played Sunday . . . I don't think there's no team in this league that can beat us." First of all, history tells us that the way the Lions are "supposed to play" is horribly and that they are more likely to lose than not (like on Sunday). Second, you'll notice Roy's clever use of a double negative, actually saying that he thinks every team in the league can beat the Lions.
"We will win this game." I think Roy's use of irony is superb here.
"Guys know that we're not the old Detroit Lions." No, no they don't. Unless by "Guys know" you mean "No one will be able to tell."
"I can guarantee that I'm going to show up Sunday." I should hope so, given that it is your job to play professional football, a sport whose games are on Sundays.
"No defense can stop us, in my opinion. That's only in my opinion. We are our only defense." This seems to be a backhanded compliment to Seattle's defense, which Roy is for some reason calling "No defense." Also, he is paying his own offense a hell of a compliment by referring to them as "our only defense," because that means that the Lions offense is one of the best defenses in the league. They held themselves to only 38 yards rushing on Sunday, on 17 attempts, for a stingy 2.2-yard average. Additionally, the Lions forced themselves to fumble the ball three times, recovering two. They will need to do some work to get those 213 passing yards down a little bit, but I have all the confidence in the world that they can do it, probably even this week against the Bears, who have the second-best defense in the NFL behind the Lions offense.
"It was stupid how close we were to putting 40 points on the board." Here, despite what his statement implies, Roy is in fact referring to Sunday's game in which the Lions scored 6 points. Those 6 points came as a result of 2 field goals and, for those counting at home, zero touchdowns. Had the Lions only scored 4 more touchdowns and kicked 2 more field goals (or had 17 safeties), they would have been right there. It is stupid how close the Lions were to putting 40 points on the board. About as stupid as how close Corky was to getting into Harvard.
Should be a hell of a game on Sunday, and an even better postgame interview with Roy if the Bears can pull it out.
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3 comments:
joey harrington pulled off one great comeback in his career.
it potentially cost the lions (a) matt leinart; (b) vince young; (c) reggie bush.
instead, the lions have former cincinnati bengal backup--let me repeat--cincinnati bengal BACKUP Jon Kitna.
let me set the stage. detroit v. new orleans. both out of the playoffs. the loser gets a better draft pick.
4th and 17. the lions never convert on a 4th and 17. what do we get? a 40 yard pass to roy williams with less than a minute to go. two more passes later, the clock is running, 23 seconds, lions down two, there are no time outs, and it's 3rd down. natural inclination? spike the ball! get the clock stopped, set up for a field goal. no, of course, the lions race their field goal unit onto the field, and get the play off as time expires.
lions fans, for once praying for a victory, win the game, and lose a serious playmaker in the draft. instead, they ditch top-5 draft pick and uber-idiot charles rogers, lose top-5 pick joey harrington, and KEEP MATT FUCKING MILLEN. they hire a defensive-minded head coach, and mike martz--a seemingly good move--but he doesn't get the chance to grab a quarterback with a huge upside in the draft.
now, you ask, what about the silver lining? who did they pick, instead, with their top 10 pick... surely someone good, right?
wrong. undersized, concussion-prone linebacker Ernie Sims.
nothing better typifies the the detroit lions than the sign standing outside the former stadium, the pontiac silverdome... it begins, "a bullet in the head would be more merciful..."
i meant the lions fans were praying for a LOSS, for once.
the lions could have leinart (he went the next pick after sims), and could never have had bush regardless of the outcome of the saints game. who really wants vince young anyways? he is a broke version of vick, who is over hyped anyway. not that i'm going to support kitna, living in cincinnati makes it even more painfull. millen sucks, rogers sucks, and mike williams is going to suck.
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