Friday, June 08, 2007

Medical "Problems"

To all you would-be jailbirds out there, apparently all you have to do to get out of a jail sentence is not like being in jail. Oh, and having more money than God probably doesn't hurt either.

As I'm sure you've all heard by now, Paris Hilton was released from jail because of a "medical problem," apparently incurable by the doctors on staff at the LA County Jail. The county can't say what the medical issue is, due to privacy concerns, which is pretty ironic considering half of the world wide web has seen her wretched vagina. However, TMZ.com is reporting that her medical "problem" is that -- unlike every other prisoner, ever -- her mental state was fragile and she was "at risk." At risk of what, I'm not sure, but I assume it means "at risk of being in jail for another day." Essentially what you're telling me is that Paris Hilton got out of jail because she didn't like being in jail.

So now she will be on house arrest, forced to wear an ankle bracelet, instead of in jail with the other prisoners who don't have enough money to convince people that they don't like jail either. Granted, she will have to serve the full 45-day sentence, rather than the reduced 23-day jail sentence she was magically given, but she may as well have been sent on an all-expense-paid vacation. Instead of spending 23 out of 24 hours a day in a small jail cell, this privileged pirate hooker will now be spending 24 hours a day in her posh 3,000-4,000 square foot mansion, where she will be at risk of receiving manicures and pedicures, sleeping in a comfortable bed, hanging out with whoever she wants, sipping tea (both hot and iced, and laced with opium either way), watching television channels that you and I don't even know exist, and eating whatever she wants.

According to her lawyer, who visited her Monday in jail, Paris was using her time behind bars "to reflect on her life, to see what she can do to make the world better and hopefully, in my opinion, to change the attitudes that exist about her among many people."

Aside from the fact that any reflecting on her own life would probably involve staring in a mirror for hours at a time, striking different poses, and saying, "That's hot," the only thing she could possibly do to make the world better is to take off those ridiculous oversized sunglasses for long enough to put a bullet in between her own two eyes. And any possibility that attitudes towards her will change have essentially been destroyed by this latest stunt, which shouts to the world, "I don't have to abide by society's laws because I'm better than you. Whereas you may hate being in jail and are unable to do anything about it, I can get out of jail because I always get my way." For the next 40 days, she will have a smug smile on her face, knowing that once again her money and name ruled over commonsense and fairness. Then again, I think we all know that there is no way in hell that her ankle bracelet will remain on her for the full 40 days. Within the next 10-14 days, I'm expecting some well-reasoned justification for why her house arrest must be ended, whether it's because the ankle bracelet is messing up her tan, or because she has to go to some party that she's being paid six figures to attend, or because she just wants to go driving. Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be mentally unbearable for poor little Paris.

What kind of example is this setting? Now I know that Paris wasn't exactly a role model before. If anything, she has contributed mightily to the dumbing down of American's teenage girls, who see Paris doing pretty much whatever the hell she wants with no consequences, leading them to think this type of behavior is acceptable (and can be applied to people who are not hotel fortune heiresses). Why can't everyone follow young female role models who are a little more responsible than Paris, like Lindsey Lohan, the Olsen twins, or that woman in Texas who hung her children?

As if it wasn't obvious before, Paris offers nothing to society. Is it too much to ask God for a good old fashioned smiting? Hell, he (or He) takes down seemingly innocent teenage girls from Kansas, so why not Paris? Probably because teenage girls from Kansas don't have more money than he (or He) does.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

There's still hope...this would almost be better than if she had just spent the entire time in jail.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19102663/

Anonymous said...

Maybe there is a God after all, and maybe he (or He) has more money than I thought. Is anyone else pulling for a jailhouse suicide?

Anonymous said...

I'm going to go ahead and guess that her medical problem is withdrawal or a painful yellow discharge.

Here's the Times' update:
http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-me-paris9jun09,0,2129615.story?coll=la-home-center

People were absolutely livid out here yesterday when she got released.

If it makes you feel even better, she was sitting front row at the Dodgers/Giants game earlier in the season, and when they showed her on the Jumbo-tron, the whole stadium booed. Priceless.

Anonymous said...

Nice work AC. Glad to hear an LA perspective. I love how the article describes her as a "self-defined singer." Then again, I could easily be described as a self-defined writer, genius, and voyeur.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I prefer the You Tube clip where the entire crowd at the MTV movie awards cheers for a good 5 minutes when Sarah Silverman says "Paris Hilton is going to jail." The look on her face is priceless

Anonymous said...

The LA Times has an even better update, describing her as:

"...professional party girl, cable actress and self-defined singer"

Calling someone a cable actress or a "tv personality" is about as non-demure of a potshot as you'll get from our locale's newspaper of record.

Anonymous said...

She's going back to jail:
http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-me-paris9jun09,0,2129615.story?coll=la-home-center

The radio said she was screaming for her Mom as the police removed her from the courtroom. This may be the funniest incident to take place in my 4 years of residency in SoCal. This certainly beats the capture of Reggie the Alligator.

Anonymous said...

I never thought I'd say this, but sweet justice, thy name is the Los Angeles County court system.

Anonymous said...

The Superficial has some nice photos of Paris bawling in the back of a cop car. What a day for America.

Anonymous said...

This, sadly, is the highlight of my week. I think the guy from the Superficial summed it up best though:

"Some witnesses say they saw a rainbow beaming directly into the courtroom. And others say they saw a giant man in the clouds with a white beard nodding his head approvingly. I just don't know who to believe anymore. It just all sounds so right."

Anonymous said...

The best part is that now she has to serve all 45 days instead of keeping her mouth shut and only doing 23...awesome.

Anonymous said...

From an internet site:
My friend's brother (who works with Baca's assistant sheriffs) told me that Paris was released due to a severe, "stress-induced" herpes outbreak. He also said that he heard that the blisters had apparently spread to her anus and had taken on abcess-like features that required more serious medical attention. Thus, after taking into account jail overcrowding, the increasing liability that Paris presents, and Paris's lesions, all things weighed in favor of her being put on home confinement.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for making me puke all over my keyboard, Anonymous.

I had already assumed that her nether regions were diseased, but sweet Jesus, man. That's disgusting. Luckily I'm sure there are doctors who work for the County who have treated prisoners for much worse.

Anonymous said...

This is just more proof that God loves us, and wants us to be happy...