Medical "Problems"

To all you would-be jailbirds out there, apparently all you have to do to get out of a jail sentence is not like being in jail. Oh, and having more money than God probably doesn't hurt either.

As I'm sure you've all heard by now, Paris Hilton was released from jail because of a "medical problem," apparently incurable by the doctors on staff at the LA County Jail. The county can't say what the medical issue is, due to privacy concerns, which is pretty ironic considering half of the world wide web has seen her wretched vagina. However, TMZ.com is reporting that her medical "problem" is that -- unlike every other prisoner, ever -- her mental state was fragile and she was "at risk." At risk of what, I'm not sure, but I assume it means "at risk of being in jail for another day." Essentially what you're telling me is that Paris Hilton got out of jail because she didn't like being in jail.

So now she will be on house arrest, forced to wear an ankle bracelet, instead of in jail with the other prisoners who don't have enough money to convince people that they don't like jail either. Granted, she will have to serve the full 45-day sentence, rather than the reduced 23-day jail sentence she was magically given, but she may as well have been sent on an all-expense-paid vacation. Instead of spending 23 out of 24 hours a day in a small jail cell, this privileged pirate hooker will now be spending 24 hours a day in her posh 3,000-4,000 square foot mansion, where she will be at risk of receiving manicures and pedicures, sleeping in a comfortable bed, hanging out with whoever she wants, sipping tea (both hot and iced, and laced with opium either way), watching television channels that you and I don't even know exist, and eating whatever she wants.

According to her lawyer, who visited her Monday in jail, Paris was using her time behind bars "to reflect on her life, to see what she can do to make the world better and hopefully, in my opinion, to change the attitudes that exist about her among many people."

Aside from the fact that any reflecting on her own life would probably involve staring in a mirror for hours at a time, striking different poses, and saying, "That's hot," the only thing she could possibly do to make the world better is to take off those ridiculous oversized sunglasses for long enough to put a bullet in between her own two eyes. And any possibility that attitudes towards her will change have essentially been destroyed by this latest stunt, which shouts to the world, "I don't have to abide by society's laws because I'm better than you. Whereas you may hate being in jail and are unable to do anything about it, I can get out of jail because I always get my way." For the next 40 days, she will have a smug smile on her face, knowing that once again her money and name ruled over commonsense and fairness. Then again, I think we all know that there is no way in hell that her ankle bracelet will remain on her for the full 40 days. Within the next 10-14 days, I'm expecting some well-reasoned justification for why her house arrest must be ended, whether it's because the ankle bracelet is messing up her tan, or because she has to go to some party that she's being paid six figures to attend, or because she just wants to go driving. Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be mentally unbearable for poor little Paris.

What kind of example is this setting? Now I know that Paris wasn't exactly a role model before. If anything, she has contributed mightily to the dumbing down of American's teenage girls, who see Paris doing pretty much whatever the hell she wants with no consequences, leading them to think this type of behavior is acceptable (and can be applied to people who are not hotel fortune heiresses). Why can't everyone follow young female role models who are a little more responsible than Paris, like Lindsey Lohan, the Olsen twins, or that woman in Texas who hung her children?

As if it wasn't obvious before, Paris offers nothing to society. Is it too much to ask God for a good old fashioned smiting? Hell, he (or He) takes down seemingly innocent teenage girls from Kansas, so why not Paris? Probably because teenage girls from Kansas don't have more money than he (or He) does.