"Chicks are Dumb"

These prophetic words were spoken sometime in 1999 by my former roommate Chris "Bocce" Ball. He had no idea that his prediction would come true about 7 years later.

You may recall my post about my extremely long weekend about a week and a half ago. In that post, I mentioned a girl who I called Sarah (although it turns out that her name is Elizabeth) who walked in on Joe "The Original Goni" Malangoni while he was pissing and asked him the age-old question "Do you know why I'm here?" After that, of course, Joe told her to leave the bathroom and she did, crying because Joe refused her advances. You may also remember that a married chick named Bonnie then also tried to hook up with Joe, even though she was fully aware that he was engaged and that she herself was married. Joe, of course, rejected her advances, leaving her crying as well.

In a classic "perhaps you misunderstood outright rejection" moment, Elizabeth sent Joe a touching e-mail the Monday after that weekend. (Kudos again to Mike "The Other Goni" Malangoni for having the foresight to forward it to me--at Joe's behest, of course.) Let this be a lesson to all you psycho women out there: if you do something crazy involving someone I know, it will likely end up on the World Wide Web with witty comments inserted.

So, here it is (I have not edited anything except some names, and I have added some commentary, which is bracketed in bold):

"Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 3:01 PM
Subject: Hey!

Hey Joe! [Do you know why I'm writing you?] It was good to meet you on Saturday [and look at your penis while you were urinating without asking you first]. Thanks for meeting up with us and all the entertainment that ensued. [I'm a fucking loon.] I have been friends with Bonnie for a long time and she has often spoke of you [longingly]. It was great to finally meet you [and see your penis while you were urinating]. I really enjoyed meeting your friends as well [, although not as much as I enjoyed busting into the bathroom to watch you pee]. Bonnie was super emotional on Saturday - I think you may already know that [, since you left her bawling] - but she has been so bogged down with work that I think the alcohol mixed with stress lead to a break-down for her [, which usually means that she forgets that she's married]. I hope that did not put a damper on your evening. It didn't for me since I knew her situation [and tried to take advantage of it by hitting on you because I knew it would make her jealous].

It was great getting to know you [and watch you pee]. If you come back to B-town soon [or ever, for that matter,] feel free to crash at my place [because I'm obviously crazy]. I [really don't] hope that you enjoyed seeing Bonnie again - it is always great to relive those college days [, although I can't tell you how much it means to me that you guys didn't hook up because that means you love me and that we should be together forever and ever and ever].

Are you back in NY now? [Because if you're not, I want to see you.] I know that Bonnie has told me that you are happy in NY with [your fiance] and she is [sexually bored and generally un]happy in IN with [her husband of 2 years who has no idea that his wife is still pining over a guy she dated 8 years ago]. But after meeting you and seeing how awesome you [and your purple-headed warrior] are, I can definitely see why you and Bonnie were close during undergrad. [But she's damaged goods now. I must have you. Can't you see that we were meant for each other? I will not be ingored, Joe.]

Elizabeth"

Folks, I can't make shit up this good. Fucking looney tunes. Women, don't let your friends do this kind of stuff.