Midwestern Eavesdropping - 6/22/06

Ask and ye shall receive. Thanks to the many of you who responded to my call to ears last week and sent in some pretty hilarious eavesdropping material.

Two children's librarians prepare for a storytime for one-year-olds:
Librarian #1: "Is a chicken a male hen?"
Librarian #2 (confused): "What? A chicken is a chicken. A male chicken is a rooster and a female chicken is a hen."
Librarian #1: "Oh. So then a chicken is a hen?"
Librarian #2: "Well, yes. But a rooster is also a chicken. They're all chickens. Chickens are a type of bird."
Librarian #1: "Okay. I just didn't want to confuse the kids."
--Greenwood, IN, Johnson County Public Library
Eavesdropper: B-Mart

Black woman on cell phone: "She's a fighter, that's what she is. My momma talks a lot of shit, but my aunt . . . my aunt, she talks a lot of shit but then she'll hit you."
--Chicago, Clark & Monroe
Eavesdropper: Ajira

Girl comes into nail salon totally frazzled and had clearly been crying:
Nail Lady (who speaks very little English): "Can I help you?"
Girl: "I just found out that I am pregnant and I lost my teaching job all in one day."
Nail Lady: "How can I help you?"
Girl: "Do you want to adopt my baby?"
Nail lady: "Excuse me?"
Girl: "Do you know of any teaching jobs?"
Nail lady: "Can I help you?"
Girl: "I will just take a manicure and a pedicure."
--Chicago, nail salon on Southport
Eavesdropper: AlyK

Friend telling a story to a group of people at a party:
Guy: "Then the guy told a hilarious Jewish joke, but he could do that because he was Jewish."
Girl listening in: "I wish I was Jewish."
--Chicago, party in Lincoln Park
Eavesdropper: Catfish

Large drunk male, pointing in face of petite girl, during a frank exchange of ideas: "Armani! Versace! Fuck Chanel!"
--Chicago, outside the Red Lion, Lincoln & Montana, 2:30am.
Eavesdropper: RobD

A group of twentysomethings attend a wedding and smell some strong perfume:
Guy: "What is that smell? Do you guys smell that?"
Girl: "Yeah, it smells like girl juice." (apparently thinking that "girl juice" was a reasonable synonym for perfume)
--Mishawaka, IN, First Presbyterian Church
Eavesdropper: way too many people at the wedding

Attractive young female, petite and obviously physically fit, addressing her equally attractive friend and strapping young male her friend is talking to:
Girl 1 (with a look of shock and awe on her face, yet smiling): "That guy over there just came up to me with the best pickup line I have ever heard."
Girl 2: "What did he say?"
Girl 1: "He walks up to me and says 'Hey Big Girl it's pretty obvious that you're pregnant, but you're still interested in going home with me right?'"
All: (laughter)
Girl 1: "I'm intrigued. I'm going to go talk to him some more."
--Milwaukee, McGillycuddys Irish Bar
Eavesdropper: Klank McT

Handyman: "HOLY MACKEREL. Yeah, I can fix that. It'll take some caulk."
Office manager: "It'll take some what?"
Handyman: "A tube of caulk to fill the crack. I'll be back."
Office manager: "Uh, where should I let you in?"
Handyman: "The back door is best. (sings) the back door maaannnnnn…"
--Chicago, law office, Washington & Wacker
Eavesdropper: RobD

A mid to late 20s hipster-type guy and an early-to-mid 20s hipster girl were waiting for their bus. There was an incoherent, quiet conversation between the two, and then:
Hipster guy (screaming in a serious manner): "I AM NOT USING COCAINE!"
--Chicago, bus stop at Michigan & Ohio
Eavesdropper: Trashton

Fortysomething Venezuelan man apologizing for calling a disliked Chicago sportswriter a "fag": "I'm not gonna back off from Jay. He's a piece of shit. (cough/laugh) You know what I mean? What I said about the -- what the name -- what -- the word I used, I should have said something different. A lot of people have hurt feelings, and I didn't mean it that way. . . . I don't wanna waste my time talking about Jay, you know. Jay's a piece of shit, and if he wanted to know, he should be here right now talking to me right now. He's a man enough, he should be here right now with you guys. . . . I should've used another word."
--Chicago, 35th & Shields
Eavesdropper: the entire sports-watching nation

Thanks again for the many contributions. Keep up the good work, and keep those ears open. As always, email what you hear to gmyhblog@yahoo.com to share your eavesdropping with the world.