Wednesday's Random Nonsense

I don't have much to write about today, so I'll give you these random news stories, videos, and links:

• News Story: The White Sox beat the St. Louis Cardinals last night with a football-esque score of 20-6. This is unbelievably ironic because the original Comiskey Park (which is now a very nice parking lot across the street from The Cell) was home to both the White Sox and the NFL's Chicago Cardinals (who moved to St. Louis, where they experienced the kind of failure with which only the Cincinnati Bengals are familiar and thus moved to Phoenix where they have fared no better). Anyway, I'm sure the irony wasn't lost on any of you either.
• News Story: In case you haven't heard, the Kansas City Royals have hired Tom Emanski to help teach them the fundamentals of baseball. Thanks to several people for passing this link on.
• Video: Thanks to Marc "Tron" Wiescinski for sending me the link to a video of a guy getting booked for drunk driving who was so hammered that he fell headfirst into the wall at the police station several times.
• News Story: "17 Beers a Day Keep Prostate Cancer Away." Yes, that is the real title of a legitimate article from MSNBC, finally giving me some ammo for when Jester gets all pissed that I'm on my eighth beer by noon. "Do you want me to get prostate cancer? I didn't think so. Now hand me another Schlitz." Again, thanks to Tron for this link and for legitimizing my worldview.
• Video: Jamie Kennedy's "Rollin' With Bob Saget" video. Funny stuff. My favorite line is when Saget says, "I gotta cock like a donkey, hard as a rock, and a trigger finger itchier than chicken pox." He truly is the "illest muthafucka in a cardigan sweater." Thanks Tron.
• Link: The Lincoln Park Chad Society. Apparently the Lincoln Park Chad is the male equivalent to the Lincoln Park Trixie that many of us have come to know and hate. The website is some good satire, and those who live on the North Side (or anywhere in Chicago) will especially appreciate it. Special thanks go out to Juliana "I Have No Idea Who You Are Or How You Stumbled Across My Blog, But I Thank You For Reading GMYH and Sending Me a Hilarious Link" Thewis for sending me the link.
• Link: The 2004 US Election Results Listed by Average State IQ. Scary. That's all I'm gonna say about it. Thanks again Tron.
• News Story: Thanks to Jesterio for this one. Apparently in British Columbia it's not out of the question to come home and find a bear eating oatmeal in your kitchen. And apparently it's also not out of the question for police encountering a bear eating oatmeal in a residential kitchen to just let the bear finish eating and leave on its own accord because "it didn't appear to be aggressive." Just a quick reminder to any law enforcement official out there who encounters a bear eating oatmeal in a kitchen and thinks it's cute, so, rather than doing anything, you think it's a good idea to just see how it pans out because the bear isn't acting aggressively: it's a fucking bear who can snap your feeble human spine in a half a second. All the bear has to do is say to himself, "Man, that oatmeal was a nice appetizer. Oh, what's this? A portly human who is stupid enough to think that my natural carnivorous instinct was somehow quelled by the Quaker Oats I was unable to cook due to a lack of opposable thumbs. I think I shall prey on him." Before you know it you're gasping for your last breaths of air, trying to fend off a hungry 500-pound bear while holding your intestines in the gaping wound that used to be the pristine mass of flesh between your armpit and your waist, all because you didn't think the bear appeared to be aggressive. You know when bears actually don't appear to be aggressive? When you shoot them with a tranquilizer to get them the fuck out of some woman's kitchen.
• News Story: My wife's extraordinary baking abilities are once again making waves in a town's legal community. I would often bring her baked goods into my firm in Dayton, and the reviews were so good that people actually believed me when I said that she was going to start her own bakery in the giant vacant storefront in the building nextdoor. Well, today she brought her world-famous "banana bread," as she calls it, into her office for the first time, and she has already received several requests for the recipe, which is kind of funny, considering one of the main ingredients is cocaine mixed with dog's blood.
• Reminder: Midwestern Eavesdropping is tomorrow. I've gotten a great response this week so far. Keep it up. Email any submissions to gmyhblog@yahoo.com.