40 Things I Hate About Me

Well if Beth, Jaleh, and Bill can do it, so can I:

1. What is your occupation? Mime by day, mercenary-for-hire by night
2. What color are your socks right now? I don't understand the question.
3. What are you listening to right now? "Hot Soft Light" by The Hold Steady
4. What was the last thing you ate? Potbelly's Wreck.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? I'm not gay, if that's what you're asking.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Black. Like my heart.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? A rather unimpressive woman in the office of the Clerk of Court of Champaign County who informed me that she was not an attorney and thus could not answer my rather simple, non-legal-opinion-invoking question.
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Technically, I sent it to myself, so no. But I stole it from Beth's page, and I find her agreeable.
9. How old are you today? 28. Take that next Sunday!
10. Favorite drink? Caffrey's. Damn you fellow Americans for not buying enough of it to sustain its continued importation into this country. I hate you all.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? College football, followed closely by college basketball.
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Head? No. I'm, however, a platinum blonde below the waist.
13. Pets? A dogtistic, socially anxious, apathetic mutt.
14. Favorite food? My dead grandma's gnocchi. Thanks for bringing that up, since I will never be able to eat it again.
15. What was the last movie you watched? Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
16. Favorite day of the year? The first Thursday of March Madness.
17. What do you do to vent anger? Breathe, blog, live.
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? Probably Legos or GI Joes
19. What is your favorite fall or spring? Fall, no contest. Football, the World Series, Halloween, tailgating, my birthday, Thanksgiving, Canadian Thanksgiving, Dia de los Muertos, Columbus Day, etc., etc.
20. Hugs or kisses? Yes.
21. Cherries or Blueberries? Blueberries, unless we're talking about poppin'. Hiyoooooo! Actually, it would still be blueberries.
22. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? Yes, although this is not an email.
23. Who is most likely to respond? Jesus (the pederast bowler, not the messiah)
24. Favorite serial killer? Jack the Ripper and The Green River Killer because they are to serial killers what Elvis and The Beatles are to rock 'n' roll, respectively.
25. Living arrangements? Wigwam on the North Side.
26. When was the last time you cried? 1990.
27. What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes, socks, clumps of hair from the prostitute who tried to escape before we were finished.
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? I'm not sending this to anyone, but that would probably be Horace, my life coach. Without him, I'd still be flipping burgers and trying to make reggae records on the side. Because of him, I've really turned things around. I'm out of debt, I feel good about myself, and I'm not holding onto the false, unrealistic dreams of my Rastafarian father.
29. What did you do last night? Don't you mean "who"? Hiyooooooooo! But seriously, I worked until about 9, came home and wept openly in my wife's cold and uncaring arms -- most of my makeup rubbed off on her shirt -- before hitting the pipe. Somewhere in there, I baked an upside-down cake, eating half of it before realizing that I had a job to do on in the Ukranian Village -- nothing big, just a molotov cocktail through a storefront. That should teach those white bastards not to sell antiques.
30. Favorite smells? Uhh, no comment.
31. What inspires you? A paralyzing fear of mediocrity.
32. What are you afraid of? Being trapped without a parachute in a hot air balloon several thousand feet in the air with a hungry komodo dragon that talks like Suzie Kolber.
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Since "spicy hamburgers" don't exist, I'll have to go with "cheese hamburgers." I sure do love cheese hamburgers. If only there was a way to shorten the name.
34. Favorite dog breed? Is "dead" a breed?
35. Number of keys on your key ring? 12 (in addition to my work as a mime and a mercenary, I steal keys)
36. How many years at your current job? 1/2, which means I've been here about 6 months longer than I should have been.
37. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.
38. How many states have you lived in? Five: Minnesota, Texas, Illinois. Indiana, Ohio, or Minnexillianio as I call it.
39. Favorite holidays? Halloween
40. Ever driven a motorcycle or heavy machinery? Driven? No. Stolen? Yes and yes.