"Daddy Says She's Too Young, But She's Old Enough For Me"

Hair Band Friday is upon us, and the office is crazy today. First off, "Give It All" by Ratt, "Seventeen" by Winger, and "Without Warning" by Dokken just blared from my speakers, probably causing permanent damage to everyone in a three-block radius. But who cares, man? They're rockin' out. If it's too loud, you're too old. Meanwhile, this morning I finished up a wicked appellate brief appendix. That motherfucker was so clear and concise that Cassandra wanted to know if I'd take her out. I was nervous as shit -- I mean, she's only like the most popular girl in the firm -- but I croaked out a "yeah sure." I picked her up at 7, and her dad said she had to be home by 12, which I thought was fair. We ate a meal of food at Fuddrucker's, and then we saw some movie called "About Last Night . . ." at the new Cineplex out by the mall. Man, the girl in that movie was hot, but I didn't want to say anything about it to Cassandra because I didn't want her to think I was a total hard-on, even though I was at half mast for most of the movie. On the drive home, I didn't even think anything was going to happen, even though I totally wanted the night to end with some heavy petting and possibly a hickey. I pulled up to her house, and then she made the move and kissed me. On the lips, no less. I couldn't even believe it! I was flabbergasted, and I didn't really know what to do in that situation, so I just did what I know best: railed her six ways from Sunday (actually seven, if you count leapfrog style as its own separate and distinct way). She's probably still coming. What? You think I sold 'em all?

Since I punted on my Midwestern Eavesdropping responsibilities and promises yesterday, I am making it up to you today. That's right, my friends, Hair Band Friday and Midwestern Eavesdropping all in one post. If I hadn't posted it with my own hands, I wouldn't believe it. It's like having sex while you're watching a football game and eating ice cream -- and not just any ice cream; it's like moose tracks or cookie dough or some shit you wouldn't even believe.

After workish, lady in what looks like her pajamas, pumping gas, yelling at her husband/boyfriend in the front driver's seat: "God, I can't believe I'm fucking doing this! You said that if I fucked you last night and did whatever you wanted, I wouldn't have to pump your gas anymore. Ugh!"
--Kettering, OH, Speedway station
Eavesdropper: NaviKate

Stoner: "Dude, where the fuuuuuuhhhhck have you been? How you doing, mannnn?"
Drunk: "Motherfucker I had an empty stomach, and then I had fifteen drinks. And I didn't realize I'd had that second Xanax. That's how I'm 'doing,' mannnn."
--Chicago, The Vic Theatre , Belmont & Sheffield
Eavesdropper: RobD

Random drunk freshman girl approaches devlishly handsome 28-year-old attorney outside a Big Ten football stadium after a game:
Girl: "What's your name?"
Guy: "Andrew."
Girl: "Wait, how tall are you?"
Guy: "Five nine. Why?"
Girl: "I'm five seven. [pause] You're cute."
Guy: "Are you serious?"
Bloomington, IN, East side of Memorial Stadium
--Eavesdropper: GMYH

Different random drunk freshman girl nervously approaches debonair 27-year-old attorney outside a Big Ten football stadium after a game while her friend is hitting on the guy's friend: "My number is 317-XXX-XXXX. You can call me up. We can go on a date. I love to go on dates. I'd like to go on a date with you."
Bloomington, IN, East side of Memorial Stadium
--Eavesdropper: Holt

Groggy Fratty: "Hey, man. Lotta blood."
Suit: "What? "
Groggy Fratty: "Lot of blood in the toilet this morning. "
Suit: "Are you serious? "
Groggy Fratty: "Yeah. "
Suit: "Why?"
Groggy Fratty: (shrugs) "That's how I roll."
--Chicago, Einstein Bagel, North & Wells
Eavesdropper: RobD

Two attorneys who don't know each other very well discuss over the phone when to have a meeting, and Attorney 1 tells Attorney 2 that he can't meet today because his son is having an as yet undisclosed type of surgery:
Attorney 1: "How about tomorrow at 10?"
Attorney 2: "That works for me."
Attorney 1: "Okay, great. See you then."
Attorney 2: "Okay, and I hope your son's surgery goes well."
Attorney 1: "Well, you know, how well can a second circumcision go?"
(Attorney 1 kind of laughs, and Attorney 2 gives a very hesitant, awkward, too-much-information type half-laugh)
Attorney 2: "Yeah. [pause] I guess that would be bad. See you tomorrow."
--Chicago
Eavesdropper: GMYH

Suit: "Are you ready to drive me to work?"
Home businessman: "I'm ready like a . . . little Filipino boy in a warm summer's breeze."
--Chicago, North & Sedgwick
Eavesdropper: RobD

Extremely bitter 26-year-old male who recently quit smoking, to female who was trying to tell him that he did a good thing and he should resist the urge to smoke: "I don't want a pep talk. I want a cigarette."
--Bloomington, IN, Nick's English Hut
Eavesdropper: GMYH

GMYH Reader #1: "Do you think he makes up his Midwestern Eavesdroppings?"
GMYH Reader #2: "Who the fuck cares? They aren't funny anyway"
--Chicago, dog park, Sheffield & Schubert
Eavesdropper: RDC

There you have it. If you have any hilarious eavesdroppings, email them to gmyhblog@yahoo.com for inclusion in Midwestern Eavesdropping. Have a great weekend.