It's About That Time

Now that I'm 29, I am officially entrenched in a quarter-life crisis (and yes, I plan on living until I'm 116). There are so many goals I have yet to accomplish before I turn 30. After extensive reflexion -- marked by periods of night terrors, catatonia, and self-inflicted knife wounds -- I have compiled a list of specific goals I have for myself for this year. Not all of them are pretty, and there are several that directly contradict each other, but I think it's important to be honest with myself and my readers in times like these. With that warning, I give you my goals for the next 363 days:

1. Quit job to do something fulfilling with life.
2. Win at least one Halloween costume contest.
3. Make enemies.
4. Finally form that Starland Vocal Band tribute band I've been talking about called Afternoon Delight.
5. Learn to fly. And no, I don't mean a plane, I mean learn to fly.
6. Steal from the rich and, more importantly, steal from the poor.
7. Keep drinking.
8. Announce my 2006 candidacy for the Governor of Illinois.
9. Smite my enemies.
10. Really concentrate on improving my songwriting.
11. Wager that irrepressible braggart Phileas Fogg £20,000 that he cannot circumnavigate the globe in 80 days.
12. Make good on my promise to fulfill my grandma's deathbed wish that I "exterminate the gypsies."
13. Marry a supermodel (sorry Jester -- it's been real).
14. Get a job as an investment banker.
15. Turn all enemies into friends.
16. Give the Amish the gift of electricity.
17. Find long lost twin and determine whether or not I am the good or the evil twin.
18. Follow through on all idle threats I've made in the past 29+ years.
19. Cure herpes.
20. Challenge a camel to a footrace.
21. Clone myself.
22. Speak more about himself in the third person.
23. Smite friends.
24. Finally get that penis reduction surgery I've always needed.
25. Master a foreign language, such as Australian or Scottish, and then take whichever country down from the inside.
26. Get herpes.
27. Cheat on supermodel wife with old wife.
28. Smite long lost twin.
29. Write a fictional autobiography detailing the seven years I spent in Tibet.
30. Travel to Detroit to see IU compete in a bowl game.
31. Finally begin the road to a Hall of Fame NFL career by purchasing NFL Hall of Fame.
32. Smite clone.
33. Hallucinate more often.
34. Write better blog posts than this.