"The Ceremony Flames Ignite"

It's the first Hair Band Friday in the new office, and there's not a more fitting day for this blessed occasion than Friday the 13th. Shit is maccabre today. The girls really take the day to heart. Earlier Sindy and Candi killed a bottle of Jager mixed with deer's blood, then performed a duet dance on the newly installed stipper poles to "Night Prowler" by AC/DC, "There Will Be Blood Tonight" by Lizzy Borden, and "The Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden. After I told them that I would let them watch me conduct a privilege review of some documents, they carved pentagrams into each other's stomachs and got crazy with some Ben Wa balls. Missi has been walking around the office wearing a hockey mask. And nothing else. Is it fucked up that I'm unbelievably turned on by that? Maybe it's just the X-laced margaritas. No matter what it is, she better leave that on later when she "rewards" me for the unbelievable Lexis-Nexis research I've been doing. Meanwhile, Wendi ingested what would seem to be an unhealthy amount of PCP. I only say "unhealthy" because she's been getting friendly with a goat horn for the past five hours, and whenever anyone comes within ten feet of her or attempts to talk to her, she swears her allegiance to "Capra Magna" and begins chanting loudly at a fervent pace, switching effortlessly between Latin and Aramaic while writhing in ecstasy on top of what used to be an HIV-free horn (don't worry, I pull out whenever she and I do the deed). Given that she is a Capricorn, this development wouldn't normally concern me. However, Wendi didn't graduate from high school because she couldn't pass English, and her erratic behavior is severely dissuading me from asking her to make good on that post-memo-writing BJ she promised. Plus now I'll pretty much have to throw away that goat head.

I'm off to Bloomington this weekend for what looks to be a hell of a couple days. Hopefully I will make it to Midnight Madness in time to get a seat to witness Eric Gordon's all-but-certain commitment to IU, thus shattering the hopes and dreams of Ill-annoy fans everywhere and once again proving that Illinois is not quite the elite program that it wishes it were. Somewhere Marcus Liberty is crying -- probably a homeless shelter. And before Illini fans get their panties in a bunch (or at least a bigger bunch than they're already in), let me remind you of the fact that Sergio McClain and Marcus Griffin were verbally committed to IU up until the minute they signed with Illinois on the first day of the signing period. At least Gordon isn't pulling that shady of a move.