Although she didn't specifically implore me to answer these questions, I got this from Erica's blog. These are 26 questions about Christmas, which I assume represent the 26 days of Christmas.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper. What am I, a sixty-eight-year-old woman named Agnes who smokes a pack of Vantage 100s a day and gives her grandkids bottles of Evan Williams eggnog for Christmas even though the oldest, Amber, is only seventeen? Come on. Everyone knows the age-old saying, "One who gives a gift in a gift bag is an asshole or a sixty-eight-year-old woman named Agnes who smokes a pack of Vantage 100s a day and gives her grandkids bottles of Evan Williams eggnog for Christmas even though the oldest, Amber, is only seventeen."
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. I can't stand the smell of fake trees.
3. When do you put up the tree? December 26.
4. When do you take the tree down? Boxing Day.
5. Do you like eggnog? Yep. Behind booze, pussy, huffing, and scrapbooking, it's my biggest vice.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? A silver Lexus SC 400 with a giant red ribbon on it. It was a December to remember.
7. Hardest person to buy for? My concubine. What do you get for the woman who wants everything but deserves nothing? A diamond corset? Season 2 of 30 Rock? Cattle?
8. Easiest person to buy for? This is a four-way tie amongst my dead grandparents.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Does the Pope shit in the woods? The answer is no, Kevin.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Neither. Hand delivery via horse-drawn sleigh.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? In eighth grade, my mom gave me what every eighth grade boy wants: a book about art. This was especially odd, since I didn't like art, didn't have any artistic ability, and hated reading. I still haven't forgiven her.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A tie between Christmas Vacation and It's a Wonderful Life, but you already knew that.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? This question assumes I stop.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? In eighth grade, I gave my mom a book about art.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Pussy.
16. Lights on the tree? Obviously.
17. Favorite Christmas song? "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love, which you also already knew. I don't understand why you keep asking me questions that I've already answered.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? Both.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Probably.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. We have Archibald, the Christmas Cardinal.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning. Fuck Eve'rs. Santa hasn't even come yet (and no, Holt, that's not supposed to be a double entendre).
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The Jews. They live down the block from us, and they're always singing Christmas carols, reminding us how many more shopping days there are until Christmas, and rubbing our face in the fact that they have a bigger Christmas tree than anyone else on the block. Sometimes I wish I had never moved three doors down from Steve and Cindy Jew.
23. What theme or color are you using? I don't use themes or colors in anything.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? While this question seems to be a little redundant of question 15, there is a slight distinction, so I'll go with pussy.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A concubine that is not so insolent. And a book about art.
26. Favorite Christmas memory? Slicing the shit out of my thumb not more than ten minutes after I got a Swiss Army knife when I was twelve or thirteen. I still have the scar. Yes, my favorite Christmas memory is one of self-inflicted pain and the resulting spillage of blood.
I expect Beth, Jaleh, Mike & Kate, Shrockstar, and Davidson to get off their asses and post their answers to these questions. Merry Christmas.