Monday, December 22, 2008

Christmas Interview

Although she didn't specifically implore me to answer these questions, I got this from Erica's blog. These are 26 questions about Christmas, which I assume represent the 26 days of Christmas.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper. What am I, a sixty-eight-year-old woman named Agnes who smokes a pack of Vantage 100s a day and gives her grandkids bottles of Evan Williams eggnog for Christmas even though the oldest, Amber, is only seventeen? Come on. Everyone knows the age-old saying, "One who gives a gift in a gift bag is an asshole or a sixty-eight-year-old woman named Agnes who smokes a pack of Vantage 100s a day and gives her grandkids bottles of Evan Williams eggnog for Christmas even though the oldest, Amber, is only seventeen."

2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. I can't stand the smell of fake trees.

3. When do you put up the tree? December 26.

4. When do you take the tree down? Boxing Day.

5. Do you like eggnog? Yep. Behind booze, pussy, huffing, and scrapbooking, it's my biggest vice.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? A silver Lexus SC 400 with a giant red ribbon on it. It was a December to remember.

7. Hardest person to buy for? My concubine. What do you get for the woman who wants everything but deserves nothing? A diamond corset? Season 2 of 30 Rock? Cattle?

8. Easiest person to buy for? This is a four-way tie amongst my dead grandparents.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Does the Pope shit in the woods? The answer is no, Kevin.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Neither. Hand delivery via horse-drawn sleigh.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? In eighth grade, my mom gave me what every eighth grade boy wants: a book about art. This was especially odd, since I didn't like art, didn't have any artistic ability, and hated reading. I still haven't forgiven her.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A tie between Christmas Vacation and It's a Wonderful Life, but you already knew that.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? This question assumes I stop.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? In eighth grade, I gave my mom a book about art.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Pussy.

16. Lights on the tree? Obviously.

17. Favorite Christmas song? "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love, which you also already knew. I don't understand why you keep asking me questions that I've already answered.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? Both.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Probably.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. We have Archibald, the Christmas Cardinal.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning. Fuck Eve'rs. Santa hasn't even come yet (and no, Holt, that's not supposed to be a double entendre).

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The Jews. They live down the block from us, and they're always singing Christmas carols, reminding us how many more shopping days there are until Christmas, and rubbing our face in the fact that they have a bigger Christmas tree than anyone else on the block. Sometimes I wish I had never moved three doors down from Steve and Cindy Jew.

23. What theme or color are you using? I don't use themes or colors in anything.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? While this question seems to be a little redundant of question 15, there is a slight distinction, so I'll go with pussy.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A concubine that is not so insolent. And a book about art.

26. Favorite Christmas memory? Slicing the shit out of my thumb not more than ten minutes after I got a Swiss Army knife when I was twelve or thirteen. I still have the scar. Yes, my favorite Christmas memory is one of self-inflicted pain and the resulting spillage of blood.

I expect Beth, Jaleh, Mike & Kate, Shrockstar, and Davidson to get off their asses and post their answers to these questions. Merry Christmas.

3 comments:

Erica said...

Ha ha! Funny you pulled that off my blog, I will have to 'tag' you next time so i can see your saracastic and welcomed responses!

gregerson said...

Well done, sir.

TailPipe said...

top shelf. as i am bored at work and have just finished building a robot - i shall answer these inane questions.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Al Gore has commanded me to do all shopping via his most powerful interweb. most presents come wrapped by the good people at amazon or UPS with the help of the corrugated cardboard lobby.
2. Real tree or Artificial? i presume you mean a hanukah bush. if so, then i say artificial.
3. When do you put up the tree...er...bush? never. who the F would buy a fake hanukah bush?
4. When do you take the tree down? n/a
5. Do you like eggnog? no, but i do like saying i like to get nogged up and have been on the search for alternate nogg recipes that might please my palet. and one time, my buddy nikki gained 12 pounds in a weeks worth of getting nogged up.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? the lion, the witch and a wardrobe. unfortunately they lion and the witch were both confined in said wardrobe and the lion manslaughtered the witch and escaped once i opened the wardrobe in question. i was left w/ a mess to clean up, but the wardrobe sure worked great.
7. Hardest person to buy for? who is Ted Dibiase, the Million Dollar man.
8. Easiest person to buy for? myself.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? no, but if you know where i can score some sweet, sweet Murr, i would be most appreciative.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? email. i am still boycotting the Stamp Act of 1765
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? a lump of coal. no seriously, my mom put it in my stocking when i was 10. she thought it would be funny and i was old enough to appreciate the joke.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Topless Brainsurgeons
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? whenever the calendar w/ the chocolate inside the days tells me to.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? yes, the coal. it was a very cold winter and we were almost out of heating fuel and Ebenezer Scrooge refused to allot more fuel. i sure hope it was clean coal.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? children
16. Lights on the tree? yes, i do like to light trees on fire, but only because the voices in my head tell me to do so.
17. Favorite Christmas song? the wails of the christians when being thrown to that lion in the wardrobe.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? either or
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? no, but only because im a memeber of PETA and ALF and i think doing so is animal abuse.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? strobe light
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? both
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Bill O'Reilly - well i find him annoying all year round actually
23. What theme or color are you using? Valentine's Day. that way the presents can double up.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? does booze count?
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? The Zombie Survivial Guide so i can try to survive the impending zombie apocolypse.
26. Favorite Christmas memory? getting nogged up.