Saturday, December 20, 2008

Wrong Number Fun

So I was sitting at my desk yesterday afternoon, throwing pencils at the ceiling and laughing like a hyena when I got a text message from an unrecognized number from area code 937:

"Hey master p! [danni]"

Since the only people who call me Master P have 313 prefixes, I texted back:

"I think you might have the wrong number, although I do appreciate being compared to Master P."

Somehow that didn't end it. Over the next 38 minutes, the following text message conversation ensued:

"Patty its Lauren n u kw dat! Lol [danni]"
"No seriously, this isn't Patty's phone. I don't even know anyone named Patty."
"U being serious or ru messin? [danni]"
"Everything I've said has been serious."
"Naw cuz presley gave me ur number [danni]"
"Yes patty! [danni]"
"Not possible. He was dead before I was born."
"Listen master p its swartz n u kw dat [danni]"
"I don't kw dat. In fact, I don't know anyone named swartz, except this one dude I went to college with."
"Uh huh whatever dude. So den wats ur name? [danni]"
"Wat! Last name? [danni]"
"Lol o i c. Where u from den? [danni]"
"Originally? Or where do I live now?"
"Originally n now [danni]"
"LA and LA"
"Really? Watchu like bout LA? [danni]"
"Going to Laker games"
"O how old r u? [danni]"
"If 30's the new 20, then I'm 21."
"Naw patty stop messin! [danni]"
"This has been fun, but I need to get back to work."

That last text was sent at 4:04 p.m. After work, Jester and I met up with Floppy Burrito and Bohmann at the southernmost Elephant & Castle in the Loop for some ale and traditional English fare. At 7:47 p.m., Lauren -- whose name is apparently not Danni -- was back:

"Patty [danni]"

Being egged on by the other three, I decided to have some fun.

"Where u at?"
"Home u? [danni]"
"The Y"
"Wat u der 4? [danni]"
"U got homies u tryin 2 hang wit [danni]"
"Yeah, Alan Stanwyk, Jim Swarthow, and Bloody Mary"
"O cool. But yea im jus sittin bank n chln [danni]"
"I kinda wish i was out somewhere rite now [danni]"
"We're going to kramers afterward"
"Cool y didnt u vale me witchu? We sposed 2 roll together! [danni]"
"Sorry. I'm with alan, jim, and bloody at the Y. We're going straight there after. You should meet us."
"I prolly should but I wont cuz u need ur man 2 man time [danni]"
"Bloody and alan are leaving early and you know I don't like hanging out with jim alone. We'll be in the back room"
"Wat u mean back da room? [danni]"
"At kramers"
"O got it. [danni]"
"Well hopefully it wont be 2 bad [danni]"
"And that's why I need you to show up. You know how jim is when he gets a few drinks in him. Seriously, be at kramers by 9:30."
"I cant im comfy n my sweats at home [danni]"
"Well I guess u got 45 minutes to get out of those sweats"
"I cant patty! Im attached 2 my sweats [danni]"
"That's sick"
"Y? I lov them! [danni]"
"Girl u nasty! Lol"
"Ders something wrong witchu lol [danni]"
"There certainly is."
"I kw Dats y i said it lol try 2 make da best of ur situation [danni]"
"Fuck! Jim just barfed on some dude. Three shots in a row is apparently all it takes. What a pussy! Anyway we got kicked out and we're in a cab back to jim's"
"Haha crazy! [danni]"
"U better stop droppin da f bomb! [danni]"
"What the fuck r u talking about?"
"Patty! Calm urself! [danni]"
"Wait, who is this?"
"Lauren! Who u think i was? [danni]"
"I think you have the wrong number. I don't know any Laurens. I thought it was my wife."
"Sry [danni]"
"U kw I'm just messin wit u. Call me grl!"

So she calls me.
"Uh, Patty?"
"I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number."


Anonymous said...

I'm going to call you Betty, and Betty you can call me Al.

Arnold T. Pants, Esquire said...

It's pretty obvious Gummy and Fat Sam would be more believable. The least you could've done would be to tell her you love her body, Larry.