So I was sitting at my desk yesterday afternoon, throwing pencils at the ceiling and laughing like a hyena when I got a text message from an unrecognized number from area code 937:
"Hey master p! [danni]"
Since the only people who call me Master P have 313 prefixes, I texted back:
"I think you might have the wrong number, although I do appreciate being compared to Master P."
Somehow that didn't end it. Over the next 38 minutes, the following text message conversation ensued:
"Patty its Lauren n u kw dat! Lol [danni]"
"No seriously, this isn't Patty's phone. I don't even know anyone named Patty."
"U being serious or ru messin? [danni]"
"Everything I've said has been serious."
"Naw cuz presley gave me ur number [danni]"
"Yes patty! [danni]"
"Not possible. He was dead before I was born."
"Listen master p its swartz n u kw dat [danni]"
"I don't kw dat. In fact, I don't know anyone named swartz, except this one dude I went to college with."
"Uh huh whatever dude. So den wats ur name? [danni]"
"Wat! Last name? [danni]"
"Lol o i c. Where u from den? [danni]"
"Originally? Or where do I live now?"
"Originally n now [danni]"
"LA and LA"
"Really? Watchu like bout LA? [danni]"
"Going to Laker games"
"O how old r u? [danni]"
"If 30's the new 20, then I'm 21."
"Naw patty stop messin! [danni]"
"This has been fun, but I need to get back to work."
That last text was sent at 4:04 p.m. After work, Jester and I met up with Floppy Burrito and Bohmann at the southernmost Elephant & Castle in the Loop for some ale and traditional English fare. At 7:47 p.m., Lauren -- whose name is apparently not Danni -- was back:
Being egged on by the other three, I decided to have some fun.
"Where u at?"
"Home u? [danni]"
"Wat u der 4? [danni]"
"U got homies u tryin 2 hang wit [danni]"
"Yeah, Alan Stanwyk, Jim Swarthow, and Bloody Mary"
"O cool. But yea im jus sittin bank n chln [danni]"
"I kinda wish i was out somewhere rite now [danni]"
"We're going to kramers afterward"
"Cool y didnt u vale me witchu? We sposed 2 roll together! [danni]"
"Sorry. I'm with alan, jim, and bloody at the Y. We're going straight there after. You should meet us."
"I prolly should but I wont cuz u need ur man 2 man time [danni]"
"Bloody and alan are leaving early and you know I don't like hanging out with jim alone. We'll be in the back room"
"Wat u mean back da room? [danni]"
"O got it. [danni]"
"Well hopefully it wont be 2 bad [danni]"
"And that's why I need you to show up. You know how jim is when he gets a few drinks in him. Seriously, be at kramers by 9:30."
"I cant im comfy n my sweats at home [danni]"
"Well I guess u got 45 minutes to get out of those sweats"
"I cant patty! Im attached 2 my sweats [danni]"
"Y? I lov them! [danni]"
"Girl u nasty! Lol"
"Ders something wrong witchu lol [danni]"
"There certainly is."
"I kw Dats y i said it lol try 2 make da best of ur situation [danni]"
"Fuck! Jim just barfed on some dude. Three shots in a row is apparently all it takes. What a pussy! Anyway we got kicked out and we're in a cab back to jim's"
"Haha crazy! [danni]"
"U better stop droppin da f bomb! [danni]"
"What the fuck r u talking about?"
"Patty! Calm urself! [danni]"
"Wait, who is this?"
"Lauren! Who u think i was? [danni]"
"I think you have the wrong number. I don't know any Laurens. I thought it was my wife."
"U kw I'm just messin wit u. Call me grl!"
So she calls me.
"I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number."