Nanook the Destroyer

Alaska's a weird place.

Case in point, the University of Alaska at Fairbanks – a school that has won ten NCAA mixed rifle championships, including nine of the last eleven – has a hockey team with what might be the most hilariously insane game intro of all-time. UAF's mascot is the Nanook. For those of you not versed in Inuit mythology, Nanook (or Nanuq) is not just any polar bear, but rather the master of all polar bears. He decides if hunters are following the proper protocol closely enough to deserve success in hunting bears. It's unclear whether he views shooting animals from planes to be within the realm of acceptable hunting practices.

The computer-animated intro goes like this. An ice-breaking cruise ship called the Seawolf (presumably a reference to the mascot of the University of Alaska at Anchorage) is plowing through the frozen sea while blaring "Sirius" by The Alan Parsons Project (which is famously used as the Chicago Bulls' introductory song). Nanook, who is frozen hundreds of feet below the surface, is shocked back to life by this ship. Underwater lightning begins to shoot from his eyes, and he bursts through the surface, revealing that he is several times as large as the ship. Rather than use his God-given strength to flip the ship over or break it's bow, Nanook does something unexpected. He turns off the Alan Parsons Project, opting instead for "Self Control" by Laura Branigan, which gives him strength and otherworldly powers, as evidenced by the fact that he rubs his hands together and creates a hockey stick made of pure energy. With that hockey stick, he strikes a vicious blow down the center of the ship, cutting it in half, blowing it up, and killing its hundreds of passengers.

But blowing up a ship does not a Nanook bloodthirst sate, so he immediately divides himself into three smaller Nanooks, such that each can fit in the cockpit of a F-16 and listen to Kenny Loggins's masterpiece "Danger Zone." Their mission? To each destroy a Midwestern university with missiles. Nanook #1 takes out Miami University. Nanook #2 – who I kinda like – takes out Ohio State. Nanook #3 takes out Michigan State, destroying Spartan Stadium in the process. (This isn't completely unreasonable, since UAF is in the CCHA conference for hockey, which includes those other three schools as well.)

Nanook #1 (presumably) then goes overboard, dropping a bomb INTO A VOLCANO. This destroys Planet Earth. Luckily, though, Nanook #1's F-16 is capable of space travel. He flies through space at an incredible rate of speed until the unthinkable happens: his F-16 disintegrates, sending him hurtling through space with this hockey stick of energy leading the way. Galaxies and nebulae are passed. Then he reaches his destination. A sports arena resting on a chunk of a meteorite in the middle of space. It is the 4,595-seat Carlson Center.

Nanook crashes through the roof, instantly killing any oxygen-breathing organism that might be inside. He then uses his hockey stick of energy to shoot a puck into one of the goals, which immediately bursts into flames, no doubt resulting in a partially melted rink, a destroyed goal, and no chance whatsoever of a hockey game being played. Touché, my furry friend.

If all this sounds to crazy to be true, check this out:



Immeasurable thanks go to The Floppy Burrito for the link.