"Half Alive or Half Dead? I Just Can't Tell"

It's Friday the 13th, so I decided that today's Hair Band Friday will be a bit on the macabre side. So this morning I came in and started reviewing documents at a blinding pace, while drinking what I assume was dog's blood out of a skull-shaped goblet. Some chick named Heather was so impressed that she cooked me up one of the fattest skag injections I've had in the past few days. I've been blaring Poison's "Look What the Cat Dragged In" on repeat since 7am with my door closed. Apparently it's pretty loud. One of the partners came by and knocked. When I asked who it was, he told me and said that he was having a deposition in the conference room next door and they could hear the music through the walls, so he asked me to turn it down. Imagine his surprise when the door opened and I was standing there with a crazed look in my eyes and the stench of Maker's Mark on my breath, wearing a hockey mask, and holding a machete in one hand and a double-headed dildo in the other. I looked back at Heather and her stipper friend Jewels, who were on my desk, pouring hot wax on each other's supple, nubile bodies, then smiled and told the partner, "No can do. I'm sure you understand." Then I slammed the door and smoked a bowl.

The first The OC of the O6 was last night, and I'd be lying if I said it was anything short of brilliant. The gang enlists the help of saucy tart Taylor Townsend to get signatures for a petition to the Harbor Academy School Board to let Marissa back into Harbor. After Taylor's mom told Taylor she couldn't help try to get Marissa back into Harbor, Summer did the coolest thing a girlfriend could ever do: tell her boyfriend, Seth, to go try to fingerbang another chick, Taylor, in order to get the other chick's help in a campaign to get the first chick's best friend back into a stuffy seaside private high school (shown to the right is Seth, explaining to Taylor exactly what he was given permission to do). Even better was Taylor's response when Seth told her that he had a license to digitally penetrate her. She said, "under any other circumstance, you would be facing a long night involving candle wax, tube socks, and the latest Fiona Apple CD." I don't know what that means, but damn that's hot.

Being a fan of word combinations and general hilarity, I was also a big fan of the gang's use of the word "mocktails" to refer to virgin cocktails. Some of these included a "faux-jito" and a "safe-sex-on-the-beach." Someone also ordered a virgin Manhattan, which isn't so much funny as it is perplexing, since a Manhattan is made of whiskey and sweet vermouth, without any sort of non-alcoholic mixer other than a cherry on top. I'm not sure how the virgin version would be made--maybe stale urine and grenadine.

Anyway, back to the school board meeting. Taylor's mom (a board member), whose boobs were exploding from her shirt Areola-style, was anti-Marissa, bringing up the point that Marissa shot someone in the back. Frankly, were it not for her bountiful bosom, I probably would have disagreed with her. Students aren't allowed to talk at school board meetings, so who else but Sandy muthafuckin' Cohen gets up and talks on Marissa's behalf at the meeting, wowing the board members and audience with his oratory skills and well-trimmed eyebrows. Bam, the board lets Marissa back into Harbor. Snooch to the muthafuckin' booch. If Sandy Cohen isn't the best damn dad/lawyer on TV right now, I don't know who is.

Here are the questions we are left with after this episode:

1. Now that Marissa is going to go back to Harbor, thus leaving Johnny (you may recall him as the surfer with the shittiest haircut of all-time) at that piece-of-shit public school Newport Union, will Johnny finally crawl into a hole and die, thus never allowing his hair to be seen again?
2. With mini tart Kaitlin Cooper's inevitable return and Marissa's increasing hotness (shown together at the right), will they perform the first on-screen, prime-time lesbian sex act amongst TV sisters? I know they're supposed to be sisters and all, but Marissa does have a lesbianic past, and Kaitlin may as well (we don't know, since she hasn't appeared since the first season). And it's not like they're related in real life.
3. Seriously, when is Marissa going to eat something on screen? She was actually sitting at a table during her lunch period with a tray that included a salad and an unopened bottle of water. Just as she was about to put food into her mouth, she conveniently got a call from Chili who told her to come to Johnny's house. It's pretty apparent that the anorexia lobby has Josh Schwartz and McG in it's now-loose-fitting pocket.
4. When is Teresa going to show up with Ryan's baby? In a related question, how many asses will the baby have already kicked by that point?
5. Now that we officially know Dean Hess has been booted from his role as Dean of Discipline at Harbor, who will make up for the discernible void in cock chugging left by his absence? My hope is that it's Marissa, Summer, Kaitlin, Taylor, Taylor's mom, Kirsten, and, well, pretty much any other female character on the show.
6. With the revelation that Sandy has well-trimmed eyebrows (a rarity for him), will it soon be revealed that by night he is Oopsie Newpsie, Newport's hottest drag queen? My guess is "no."
7. When Johnny finally dies, at whose hand will it be? There are several distinct possibilities: Marissa (she's almost killed before, which mean she'll probably try to kill again); Ryan (he wouldn't even have to punch Johnny, but rather just pretend like he's going to punch him, at which point Johnny's shitty hair would turn stark white and he would die of fear-induced dysentery); Chili (Aside from former MLB All-Star and all-around good guy Charles Theodore "Chili" Davis and TLC member Rozonda "Chili" Thomas, people named Chili are not to be trusted); Kaitlin (preferably after a whip-cream-filled fuck fest); or his own hair (it can only go so long being the butt of every single joke about Johnny--soon it will begin to grow long enough to choke the shit out of him while he sleeps).

Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend. Be good to each other, and for the love of God, keep that chin up.