New Years Resolutions

With all the excitement of listening to the new CDs I got for Christmas, going to "country dance parties" with ballerina's named Brita, bowling, and encountering wannabe fecal phantoms, I almost lost sight of the fact that I made some New Years Resolutions.

Every year I try to make as many resolutions as possible. That way, I have a pretty good shot at accomplishing at least one of them, whereas if I just made one resolution and didn't end up doing it, the year would be a complete waste and I'd fall deeper and deeper into my already expanding pit of self-hatred.

So, without further ado, here are my resolutions for the oh six:

1. Quit coke (and I'm serious this year, you guys).
2. Start meth lab to supplant newly discarded coke habit.
3. Write a book.
4. Totally rock out every Friday in my office.
5. Lose between 10-15 pounds via the Abs Diet, and then gain it all back in one of the sweetest booze and burrito binges since a man named Chris Farley walked the Earth.
6. Find a cure for herpes; cure self, wife, and all other hot chicks.
7. Make at least 31 New Years Resolutions.
8. Stay married.
9. Forego my remaining four years of eligibility and declare for the NFL draft.
10. Become entirely hairless.
11. Make 14 chocolate cakes. In a row.
12. Continue to own a dog.
13. Make a £20,000 wager with that insatiable rogue, Phileas Fogg, that he can't circumnavigate the world in eighty days.
14. Visit the following places: Chicago, Illinois, Dubai, UAE, and Bloomington, Indiana.
15. Dance.
16. Kill them all, leaving the sorting out to God.
17. After being inspired by the 2006 US Olympic curling team, begin training for 2010 games.
18. Learn to speak Navajo.
19. Build an ice-fishing shanty at my lakeside cabin in the Northwoods.
20. Tear down the Berlin Wall (enough is enough).
21. Have a good cry.
22. Resist the ever-present lure of a career with Carnival Cruise Lines.
23. Do it (and I do mean "it").
24. Buy a lakeside cabin in the Northwoods.
25. Be a flamboyant and cocksure contestant on Bravo's "Project Runway."
26. Steer clear of AIDS.
27. Take in a movie.
28. Donate $40 million to the Indiana University School of Law; rename it the GMYH School of Law at Indiana University.
29. Get really into Civil War reenactments; fight for North; use real bullets.
30. Try to cut down on singing "Don't Worry Be Happy" or "Everybody's Working for the Weekend" whenever I see a homeless person.

Feel free to post your resolutions as well. It's quite therapeutic.