Tuesday Top Ten: St. Patrick's Day Drinking Alternatives to Green Beer

St.Patrick's Day is just around the corner, with the day itself falling on Monday the 17th and the "observed" party day falling on Saturday the 15th.  If you're like me, chances are you'll be spending Saturday the 15th in the hospital with your two-day-old son and recovering wife, making both of them watch the semifinals of the Big Ten Tournament against their will.  If you're not like me, chances are you'll be spending Saturday the 15th following the ancient Irish tradition of getting blackout drunk in the middle of the day.

The "traditional" beer for St. Patrick's Day celebrations (in the U.S., anyway) is green beer.  Usually, it's just one of the three main light beers (Bud, Coors, Miller) with some green food coloring.  For some reason, people order green beer like it tastes better on St. Patrick's Day.  

I, for one, am not all that enamored with the green beer phenomenon.  I can drink Bud Light any day of the year without it turning my morning-after shit green, so why would I drink the green version on St. Patrick's Day?  Because some guy ridded Ireland of snakes back in the 5th Century?  There were never snakes on Ireland, people!  So why should you suffer through a beer just because it matches the color of your shirt on a day that you are only celebrating because it allows you to start drinking at 8 a.m. and be hammered by noon without any social backlash?  You shouldn't.  That's why I'm writing this post.

Here are ten St. Patrick's Day alternatives to green beer, whether you're going to a bar or stocking up for a party.  They're just as festive, most of them are Irish, and they'll all get you just as drunk, if not more, than green beer.

1.  A pint of Guinness

If you do not have a pint of Guinness (or at least an Irish Car Bomb, Black and Tan, or Half and Half) on St. Patrick's Day, you should remove everything green you are wearing and return home, not necessarily in that order.  There is nothing more beautiful in a bar on St. Patrick's Day than a pint of Guinness, in a curved pint glass, with its nearly black body topped by that creamy head.  Guinness is not only Ireland's most famous beer, but it's actually very low in calories (about equal to a light beer, green or not) and has minerals or nutrients that your green beers don't have.  It is, after all, what the Irish drink "for strength."

2.  Irish whiskey

No matter the whiskey you drink on St. Patrick's Day, it should preferably be in a jar, if available, while listening to Thin Lizzy's version of "Whiskey in the Jar."

If you lean more green, the go-to Irish whiskey is, of course, Jameson, which is great for shots, neat, on the rocks, or mixed with ginger ale or Coke (if that's your thing).  Tullamore Dew, Powers, and Paddy are also solid traditional stand-bys.  Red Breast is a fantastic single pot still whiskey and Clontarf is a good blended one, if you're looking for something a little pricier to impress the chick next to you at the bar wearing the "Fuck Me I'm Irish" shirt and vomiting in a trash can.

If you lean more orange, I actually prefer Bushmills over Jameson, or Black Bush (also made by Bushmills).  But, of course, you risk being branded a Protestant on this most holy of Catholic drinking days.  Then again, St. Patrick was allegedly enslaved in what is now Northern Ireland (and in the same county where the Bushmills distillery is located, County Antrim), so if anyone gives you any shit, thrown that back at them -– the knowledge, not the whiskey.  Never waste whiskey on another man's face.

3.  Caffrey's Irish Ale

This is my favorite beer.  Or at least it was, until it was bought by Coors, who ruthlessly pulled it from the American market, thinking that it would interfere with sales of Coors's less-delicious Killian's Irish Red.  The two beers aren't even the same type of beer.  Caffrey's has a cascading pour (like Guinness) and a creamy head (also like Guinness), and it is terribly smooth.  Killian's, on the other hand, is an Irish-style red ale, without a cascading pour, creamy head, the same taste, or as much smoothness.  My continued anger over this is why you won't see Killian's Irish Red on this list.  Now, if you want Caffrey's, you have to go to the UK, Ireland, Canada, or Sweden.  Or, you can do as my lovely wife did for me back in 2006, and pay an arm and a leg to have a case shipped over here.  This would be much higher on the list if it were actually available in the US.  Seriously, MillerCoors, it's time to import Caffrey's to the US again.  If you're looking for the next best thing, Wexford Irish Cream Ale is available in the US, but not quite the same as Caffrey's.

4.  Smithwick's

This is a great brown ale, along the lines of Newcastle.  It's pronounced "smiddicks," so if you pronounce it with a "w," you may get laughed out of the bar, depending on how many assholes are standing right next to you when you order.

5.  Harp Lager

This is an easy-drinking Irish lager.  If you're scared to drink something too different tasting than green beer, then this is probably your best bet.  Of course, you can combine this with #1 for a Half and Half, and kill two birds with one stone.  If you're looking for a good American version of an Irish lager, I recommend Rogue's Irish Style Lager (also sometimes called Kells Irish Lager).

6.  Irish Car Bomb

In Ireland, they just call them car bombs.  But seriously, folks, enough with the jokes about the horrible atrocities that happened at the height of the IRA-UDA violence in Ireland.  For the inexperienced, the Irish Car Bomb is a bomb shot.  You take a half-filled pint glass of Guinness and you drop a shot of Bailey's topped with Jameson into it, and you drink it as fast as humanly possible before it starts to curdle.  It's delicious, although I have heard it described by Irish folk as both a waste of Guinness and a waste of Jameson.  I respectfully disagree.  If you want to see something that borders on the sexually exciting, go to Rocks here in Chicago (1301 W. Schubert) on March 15th and watch the bartender/co-owner Tim (the red-headed guy behind the bar) down one.  It's literally faster than I take a regular shot –- so fast, in fact that in the past, he has held a contest that, if you beat him in an Irish Car Bomb race on St. Patrick's Day, you win $100.  No one has beaten him.  Ever.

7.  An Irish Stout other than Guinness

Guinness is the most famous Irish stout, but it's definitely not the only one out there.  Both Murphy's Irish Stout and Beamish Irish Stout are suitable substitutes for Guinness.

8.  Irish coffee or coffee with Bailey's

If you're feeling like murdering your insides and being both awake and drunk for it, you can always get an Irish coffee, which, in case you don't know, is coffee and whiskey (with sugar and cream added to taste).  If you want to go with something a little less Uncle Ned, then go with a coffee and Bailey's.

9.  Magners Irish Cider

If you're in the mood for something refreshing, a little different than beer, and not quite as strong as whiskey, go with Magners, a very tasty Irish apple cider that is traditionally enjoyed over ice in a pint glass.  It's pretty common in bars in Chicago (and presumably other Irish strongholds in the States), and I've even seen it on tap here and there.

10.  American takes on Irish beers

If you're more of a craft beer kind of guy or gal, there are several good American versions of Irish-style beers.  

As I mentioned above in #5, Rogue makes a good Irish-style lager, aptly called Irish Style Lager. 

For red ales, I recommend, in this order, O'Fallon Rager Red Irish Ale, Great Lakes Conway's Irish Ale, Flying Dog Lucky SOB Irish Red Ale, and Samuel Adams Irish Red, although all of them are good. 

For Irish-style stouts, I recommend Brooklyn Dry Irish Stout and Killian's Irish Stout.  Notice that I did not recommend Killian's Irish Red.  Again, see #3.  Fucking Coors.

Anything I missed.  Any other recommendations?