"I'm Not a Nice Boy, and I Never Was"

Hair Band Friday is back after last week's roadtrip to Erie, PA, a town that is not known as the Mecca of Totally Rocking Out. As you can probably imagine, I had to do some catching up this week. And by "catching up," I mean "banging some chick named Suzette that I just met after I totally reviewed the shit out of some documents." I've pretty much been drinking Jack straight from the bottle (and off this chick named Nicole's chest) since I got to the office this morning. You wouldn't even believe the shit that's been going down in here. And yes, I do mean going down, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, you're probably a total square who listens to Morrissey and isn't all about totally rocking out every Friday in your office while making out with chicks who are so impressed by your work product that they are willing to remove all clothing except for their knee-high white patent leather stiletto boots. The last three songs blaring at normally unacceptable decibel levels from my speakers were "Nice Boys" by G N' f'n R, "The Morning After" by Ratt, "Bad Girl" by Trixter. Speaking of bad girls, Elli and Kelli greased up the stripper poles and have been trying their damndest to outstrip each other in some sort of contest for my affection after they saw me write a totally kickass letter to opposing counsel. Little do they know that by the end of the day I will have impregnated both of them and kicked their whorish asses to the curb. And that, my friends, is why Jesus invented Plan B and bus fare.

In case you were unaware of the date, it is August 25, which means two things. First, it marks the seventh anniversary of the day that Jessie and I met. It's still unclear to me why she accepted my telephone call two days later, or why she agreed to come over to the Pi Kapp house again two days later, or why she agreed to continue seeing me, or why she married me, or why she hasn't suffocated me in my sleep or at least sliced my hamstrings.

Second, there are only 122 more shopping days until Christmas (for you non-Christians, Christmas marks the day that Santa Claus was born). I know the pressure to get the perfect gift can be suffocating. Hell, I have a wife and a dog. How's that for pressure? If you're like me -- and, for your sanity and prosoperity, I pray to God that you're not -- then you still have no idea what you're going to get that special someone. Buck up little camper, because we're gonna beat this thing together. Here are some ideas that will satisfy even the most discriminating tastes:

• A year's supply of Plan B (for you kids out there, that's the "morning after pill," which will allow -- with a doctor's note if you're under 18 -- you to have as much consequence-free sex as your looks dictate). Plan B is highly endorsed by GMYH and, more specifically, Hair Band Friday. Make love, not babies. (That last sentence should be the official slogan of Plan B, if there is not already one in place.)
• K-Fed's new CD. Someone has to buy it, right?
• John Mark Karr's soon-to-be-released book, entitled "Lying My Ass Off So As to Make the World Think That Patsy Ramsey Didn't Kill Her Daughter and Other Funny Things I Did This Year"
• A KISS water fountain that spews blood from Gene Simmons's mouth. I'm not kidding. I have one. So should you.
• Any variety of things from the soon-to-be-decent GMYH Cafe Press store.
• The subject of the censored 13th day of Christmas: 13 hookers laying
• Handwritten lyrics to "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. This is especially appropriate if the person to whom you are giving the gift is named Mandy. Otherwise, it's just weird.
• A homemade quilt made from all of his/her favorite used underwear
• Cocaine
• The special edition DVD of The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift.
• The IBF Welterweight title he has always wanted
• That winter home in New Orleans she has always been talking about
• Ann Coulter's ashes
• Princess Di commemorative plates. I can't see how they would ever go down in value.
• A Lexus wrapped in a giant red bow. From what I've seen, this seems to be a lot more common than you would think.
• The new Slayer Christmas LP, "Fun Songs About Jesus"
• A Motor City Bowl berth for IU

Because I strive to bring you only the most useful statistics, I am adding a "games remaining" parenthetical after each team's Wild Card standing. This should clear up any and all confusion.

AL Wild Card
1. White Sox 75-52 -- (35)
2. Minnesota 74-52 0.5 (36)
3. Boston 71-56 4.0 (35)