"I Saw Red When I Opened Up the Door"

Well, Hair Band Friday is back, and it's just okay today. Much of my day has been spent writing letters to clients while being fellated by some chick named Mandi who was force-feeding me phenobarbital beforehand, while Warrant's "I Saw Red," Cinderella's "Nobody's Fool," and Winger's "Miles Away" blasted at like 500db from my computer speakers. Then I was parsing through some files looking for some discovery requests while two nameless chicks totally got it on on top of my desk. Same old same old. This is getting boring every week. I don't know if I even want to have Hair Band Friday anymo -- whoa! Holy shit, the Dexedrine just kicked in. Nevermind what I just said. Hair Band Friday will live forever. For-fucking-ever, man! I'm gonna do like fifty chicks in a row right after I get done rearranging my office. Have you ever felt like you could jump over a fucking mountain? 'Cause I can. Right now. And if I have to sprint to Colorado to get to a mountain formidable enough to present me with a challenge, I'll do it. I'll fucking do it! Aaaaaaggggghhhhhh!! I've never felt so alive.

I have two bits of Saved By The Bell related news. I'll start with the bad news. It appears that Screech, who I guess has a real name (it's Dustin Diamond -- who knew?), is once again making headlines. It seems like just yesterday he was pleading with America to buy shitty t-shirts in order to help him raise money to avoid foreclosure on his house. Well now, some crazy woman, probably named Violet, tried to attack Screech in his Omaha hotel room. He said that the woman broke into his hotel room and grabbed some video games. Then Screech pulled out some moves he learned that one time when he had to sub for Slater on the Bayside wrestling team, and he held this woman against the door until police arrived. That must have been an awkward 30 minutes ("You mean you seriously don't know who I am? You just wanted to steal my video games? Come on. Screech? That doesn't ring a . . . bell? No? Nothing? I'll let you go if you buy a t-shirt."). The woman claimed that Screech assaulted her, so the police didn't file charges because it was a "case of he said, she said." The article makes it a point to note that Screech's current stand-up show is an "18-and-older" show. Poor Screech. Can't anything go right for him? First Lisa, then foreclosure, and now this. By the way, I love how the file photo accompanying the story is one with Screech, Leif Garrett, Danny Bonaduce, Barry Williams, and Corey Feldman. I bet the coke was flyin' off the mirrors at that get-together.

On a much brighter note, loyal GMYH reader Jaleh sent me the link for a phenomenal Saved By The Bell inspired t-shirt, featuring a giant old cell phone, not unlike the one Zack Morris lugged around Bayside HS. Every one of you probably should own this shirt.

AL Wild Card
1. White Sox 67-46 --
2. Minnesota 67-47 0.5
3. Boston 65-48 2.0

NL Wild Card
1. Cincinnati 59-56 --
2. Arizona 58-56 0.5
2. San Diego 58-56 0.5
4. Astros 56-58 2.5
5. Philly 55-58 3.0
6. Colorado 55-59 3.5
7. Milwaukee 54-60 4.5
7. San Fran 54-60 4.5