The Reign of Terror is over. By that I mean both the mass executions in France from September 1793 to July 1794, as well as the string of victories for our Rocks trivia team. Last night, Larry Flynt Wins Again (comprised of me, Jester, Gregerson, Christoff, Chandler, and Gregerson's friends Nick and Cincinnati Bengals t-shirt guy -- since we had more than 6, we had to rotate one person out each round) fell mightily. The player-chosen category from last week was Harry Potter. We brought in Jester as a ringer, since she has read all of the books, but the 16-point round proved to be extremely obscure and spell-heavy. To top it off, the name-that-tune round, instead of its usual 1-point-for-title-1-point-for-artist format, was changed so that the title and artist were worth one point each and then for a bonus point you had to name the year that the song was released. We got every title and artist right, but only 3 of the years right. We were only one year off for all of the other ones, except one (who knew that Eddie Money's "Two Tickets To Paradise" came out in 1978?). Disheartened and sluggish, we finished in fourth place. The guy (yes, singular guy) who finished in first place aced the Harry Potter round and got 18 out of 20 in the music round. He ended up winning by 7. It was emasculating.
While the loss hurt our chances of a four-peat, it is probably best for the future of trivia at Rocks, since our continued winning would have undoubtedly begun to discourage other teams from even showing up. As Lily Miranda said in Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, "Nobody wants to go to a camp where everyone's been slaughtered." Speaking of being slaughtered, last night's second place team's category next week is '50s and '60s music for the name-that-tune round. Have they even been paying attention to who I am?*
*For those of you who don't know who I am, Atlantic Records co-founder Ahmet Ertegün once called me the "greatest knowledge bank of '50s and '60s popular music the world has ever known." Sam Phillips of Sun Records described me as "an unbeatable force in '50s and '60s name-that-tune trivia." Berry Gordy explained, "[GMYH] knows more about Motown's first 11 years than I do." Booker T. Jones, Steve Cropper, and Donald "Duck" Dunn once said, in unison, "His ability to recognize songs suggests that he was in the studio for every single song we recorded at Stax as a backing group or for ourselves." Sir George Martin quipped, "[GMYH] is the fifth Beatle or, technically, now the third Beatle." Sam Andrew of Big Brother and The Holding Company claimed, "[GMYH] was our real lead singer." Or at least I assume they would have, if they had any idea who I was.
Maxim Hot 100
Maxim released its annual Hot 100 list. Lindsey Lohan was #1. Frankly I don't see it. She's cute, in that drugged-up, I'll-do-whatever-the-hell-I-want kind of way, but I can think of at least 40 women hotter than her, including a pregnant Salma Hayek (whose #90 ranking is a travesty, pregnant or not). Maybe it's because I think so little of Lohan as a person that any would-be attractiveness is masked by her self-righteousness and ability to run over people in her car. Or maybe it's because she's not the hottest woman in the world. Every other woman in the top 15 is hotter than her.
Not number 16, though, because that would be Ashlee Simpson. Not Jessica, but Ashlee. Jessica came in at #41. Granted, I've always thought Jessica Simpson looks slightly cross-eyed, but under no circumstance should Ashlee be ranked higher than Jessica in a beauty contest (or a singing contest, or a life contest, although maybe a lip-synching contest or a getting-booed-off-the-stage-at-the-Orange-Bowl contest). Nose job or not, Ashlee Simpson is a Jay-Leno-chin-having, talentless hobgoblin. Am I the only one who thinks she's not attractive? If Ashlee Simpson is hotter than the likes of Maria Sharapova, Kate Beckinsale, Jamie King, Halle Barry, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Autumn Reeser, Evangeline Lilly, and Stacy Kiebler, then you might as well stab me in the eyes because it doesn't fucking matter anymore. Next year, I'm looking for Bea Arthur, Mama Fratelli, and Barbara Bush to make solid runs at the top 10.
Rothko Smrothko
While the loss hurt our chances of a four-peat, it is probably best for the future of trivia at Rocks, since our continued winning would have undoubtedly begun to discourage other teams from even showing up. As Lily Miranda said in Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, "Nobody wants to go to a camp where everyone's been slaughtered." Speaking of being slaughtered, last night's second place team's category next week is '50s and '60s music for the name-that-tune round. Have they even been paying attention to who I am?*
*For those of you who don't know who I am, Atlantic Records co-founder Ahmet Ertegün once called me the "greatest knowledge bank of '50s and '60s popular music the world has ever known." Sam Phillips of Sun Records described me as "an unbeatable force in '50s and '60s name-that-tune trivia." Berry Gordy explained, "[GMYH] knows more about Motown's first 11 years than I do." Booker T. Jones, Steve Cropper, and Donald "Duck" Dunn once said, in unison, "His ability to recognize songs suggests that he was in the studio for every single song we recorded at Stax as a backing group or for ourselves." Sir George Martin quipped, "[GMYH] is the fifth Beatle or, technically, now the third Beatle." Sam Andrew of Big Brother and The Holding Company claimed, "[GMYH] was our real lead singer." Or at least I assume they would have, if they had any idea who I was.
Maxim Hot 100
Maxim released its annual Hot 100 list. Lindsey Lohan was #1. Frankly I don't see it. She's cute, in that drugged-up, I'll-do-whatever-the-hell-I-want kind of way, but I can think of at least 40 women hotter than her, including a pregnant Salma Hayek (whose #90 ranking is a travesty, pregnant or not). Maybe it's because I think so little of Lohan as a person that any would-be attractiveness is masked by her self-righteousness and ability to run over people in her car. Or maybe it's because she's not the hottest woman in the world. Every other woman in the top 15 is hotter than her.
Not number 16, though, because that would be Ashlee Simpson. Not Jessica, but Ashlee. Jessica came in at #41. Granted, I've always thought Jessica Simpson looks slightly cross-eyed, but under no circumstance should Ashlee be ranked higher than Jessica in a beauty contest (or a singing contest, or a life contest, although maybe a lip-synching contest or a getting-booed-off-the-stage-at-the-Orange-Bowl contest). Nose job or not, Ashlee Simpson is a Jay-Leno-chin-having, talentless hobgoblin. Am I the only one who thinks she's not attractive? If Ashlee Simpson is hotter than the likes of Maria Sharapova, Kate Beckinsale, Jamie King, Halle Barry, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Autumn Reeser, Evangeline Lilly, and Stacy Kiebler, then you might as well stab me in the eyes because it doesn't fucking matter anymore. Next year, I'm looking for Bea Arthur, Mama Fratelli, and Barbara Bush to make solid runs at the top 10.
Rothko Smrothko
I was pissed off enough back in November of Aught Five when a Mark Rothko "painting" sold at auction for $22.5 million, 
but now I am frankly livid. Yesterday another Rothko painting, aptly entitled "White Center (Yellow, Pink and Lavender on Rose)," sold at auction for $72.84 million, breaking the record for postwar artwork. Look at this thing. When I vomit profusely -- and precisely -- all over canvas after eating curry rice, cotton candy, marshmallow fluff, Tootsie Rolls, and strawberry Fruit Roll-Ups, all it gets me is arrested for vandalism and disorderly conduct, whatever the fuck that means. But this guy does essentially the same thing and it fetches enough money to buy a small island nation. Granted, that money is not going to his estate, since the U.S. has no droit de suite (or artist resale royalty right), which actually makes it worse because it means that a Rockefeller (literally) is profiting handsomely from what I would describe as little more than a giant, multi-colored domino with no numbers. It's not that I don't think it takes talent to create this work of "art," it's just that it doesn't take much talent. If I can do it with vomit, then it means it's not worth more than $17 million, tops.
but now I am frankly livid. Yesterday another Rothko painting, aptly entitled "White Center (Yellow, Pink and Lavender on Rose)," sold at auction for $72.84 million, breaking the record for postwar artwork. Look at this thing. When I vomit profusely -- and precisely -- all over canvas after eating curry rice, cotton candy, marshmallow fluff, Tootsie Rolls, and strawberry Fruit Roll-Ups, all it gets me is arrested for vandalism and disorderly conduct, whatever the fuck that means. But this guy does essentially the same thing and it fetches enough money to buy a small island nation. Granted, that money is not going to his estate, since the U.S. has no droit de suite (or artist resale royalty right), which actually makes it worse because it means that a Rockefeller (literally) is profiting handsomely from what I would describe as little more than a giant, multi-colored domino with no numbers. It's not that I don't think it takes talent to create this work of "art," it's just that it doesn't take much talent. If I can do it with vomit, then it means it's not worth more than $17 million, tops.
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1 comment:
"Am I the only one who thinks she's not attractive?"
No, Ashlee Simpson is an ugly,no talent Ass-Clown. If I encountered that swamp dragon at a bar, I would simply look the other way.
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