Bestiality, Celibacy, and Trannies

Sheep Asked For It, Sheep Wanted It, and Sheep Got It
Christoff alerted me to a disturbing story. Those damn kids are up to it again. When I was growing up, all we did was drink pineapple brandy and maybe smoke a little grass to get our kicks. Sure, every now and then we'd torch a giant stuffed bear on the sidewalk in front of an enemy's house or hunt homeless people for sport, but having sex with sheep never even entered the conversation. The same cannot be said for Roger Henderson II, 18, of Sherborn, Massachusetts. He was caught on video raping some farmer's poor sheep. Here is a description of the video:

"Henderson is observed in sheep pen grabbing a sheep by its hind legs and dragging it to the corner of the stall. Henderson removes his clothes and appears to have sexual relations with the sheep. Upon finishing, Henderson puts his pants back on and leaves the barn area with his shirt in his hand."

Not only is it hilarious that this guy had sex with a sheep, and not only is it hilarious that he apparently took off ALL of his clothes to do so, but he was apparently so exhausted from the whole affair that he couldn't bear to put his shirt back on. As of now, it is unclear as to whether Henderson will invoke the following time-honored defenses:

• "You could tell she wanted it by what she was wearing, or should I say, what she wasn't wearing"
• "If she didn't want to have sex, then why was her fleece so soft?"
• "'Baaahhhh' means 'yes.'"

As if it wasn't humiliating enough to be caught on film during an otherwise intimate moment with a woolly ruminant quadruped, young Roger (pronounced "sheep fucker") was released to his parents, but only "on the condition that he stay at least 30 yards away from Boggastow Farm, where the alleged bestiality took place, and animals in general."

Where in the world can you be that's 30 yards away from "animals in general"? And what if he has pets, the poor bastards? "Hey Mom, I'm going to take Sparky out for a walk." "Okay Roger. Make sure she goes number one and number--actually, on second thought, I'll take care of it."

Christoff suggested that, when he gets caught making love to a sheep, he would rather stay in jail than be forced to endure the car ride home with his human-fucking father. For me, that would be the least of my concerns. No matter what this guy does for the rest of his life, he will be known as a sheep fucker. Kind of like how I can't escape the "only guy who's ever had sex with both Elisabeth Shue and Claudia Wells, at the same time, in a DeLorean" tag. Look people, it was 20 years ago. I'm over it.

Celibacy
So listening to Weezer made me think of how lead singer Rivers Cuomo was celibate for over two years, from 2003-2005. Granted, he's a Phi Beta Kappa Harvard grad, but that just seems fucking stupid. Not only does the prospect of celibacy frighten and annoy me, but it also left me with some questions. Does that include just sex or does it include any sort of ejaculation? For instance, say a guy masturbates 2 or 3 times a day for the past 17 years, and then just gives it up cold turkey on account of an irrational decision to become celibate. His body has been conditioned to produce a certain amount of seminal fluid based upon this regimented schedule of emission. Thus, said fluid builds up in the seminal vesicles, which can only hold so much. One night he's dreaming about something inane like watching TV, taking a test, or participating in a Roman orgy, and the next morning he wakes up with starched sheets. Technically is he still celibate? How does he broach the subject with his fellow celibates? Or does he even bring it up for fear that they might question his commitment to celibacy? These are the kind of things I think of while eating a turkey sandwich at my desk for lunch.

Trannies
Do you think trannies ever say, "You've got a pretty big dick. For a girl!"